Strangers

Jim and I have been working hard at treating each other better. Jim has been more positive and I have been more cooperative. But Wednesday came and I was at my intern site all day, two groups, paperwork, running around, preparing for class and then class. I was tired, starved, then stuffed, frustrated and by the end of the night, I crawled into the house, dropped my bags, shoulders sloped and sighed. The next day I went back to my intern site and started my day as any other, smiling at strangers, asking how people were doing, being polite, cherry, etc. Then it hit me...remember when Jim and I were strangers? When I used to smile at him whenever I greeted him for the first time that day. When I used to be polite and patient and friendly? I mean, I don't treat him badly, but I definitely show others a side of me that he only sees when I'm greeting friends or strangers. Well that doesn't make much sense? How can I expect him to be how he used to be, when I am not either. I thought about how I come home and we say "hey" and go about our routine. I thought about how I don't do that with Jake. That I smile when I see him, that I hug and kiss him and ask him how his day was. Why? Because I'm so happy to see him and he's so happy to see me and he makes me feel loved. I love my husband and I know he loves me, I can't expect him to treat me one way and it not be reciprocated. So I decided that when Jim came home last night that I would greet him like I would a stranger or a friend. I was changing my clothes when he walked into the room. I turned and with a huge and pleasant smile, I said, "Hello." The response was better than the I expected! He just stared at me for a minute and then cautiously asked "What?" It's going to take some time for us to get used to this, but I see it working. I'm coming back to this blog after a day and so far I've used it again when he came home from work and this morning I said, hung over but still very cherry, "Good morning!". I'm looking forward to seeing where this will go, for now, I get excited when I think about seeing Jake and I'll "fake it till I make it" with Jim.

I have to document this

So, 20 days after surgery, the pain under my arms are diminishing, but my left side has hard tissue near the incision line which makes the whole area very taunt and my full range of movement is restricted. On my right side, the hard tissue is there, but not to the extreme and my range of motion isn't diminished noticeably. The pain down my triceps is only on the left side now. I look forward to the day that the there will be no tightness or hard tissue. I also have numbness above the incision line on my right side.

On a different note, I checked the race results from the 5K and I came in 3rd in my age group (40-49) out of 9 and my time was 34:54; I was 75 overall.

finally some more pics after surgery and after the right side being drained of fluid.

17 days later...

Completed my first 5K!!!! Not too painful and I made it 3rd in my age group. I have no idea how many women were in my age group (40-49), but I'll check eventually. Checked out our condo in AC. It was actually a relaxing time because Russ, Jake and I hung out in the condo while Jim took his mom out to the casino. I went to bed early and even forgot until late Sunday night that I had run 3.2 miles when my thighs became a little sore and I crashed on the couch. Rachel and her cousin Lavonne dropped by to use the condo to change and hang out a little. I can't wait to let her use it when she wants to spend the whole weekend with friends. The condo was great, convenient, mostly clean and had an awesome view of the inlet, Harrah's and the Water Club. Rachel advised me to use ice to reduce the fluid, which is another way of saying swelling on my rt side. So I did and by the time I saw Dr. Saunders today, it had gone down by 40%, but he asked if I wanted him to drain it and so I did and now it's all gone! I'll have pics tomorrow of the rt side "after" after I shower. Here's some before and 17 days after surgery.

I hurt...

And no I haven't even runs my first 5k yet. I'm just hurting at different points all over. Not sure exactly why, but I'm wondering if my lymph nodes are fighting some type of infection because the usual one hurts in my neck/tonsil area, something hurts on my chest, my butt checks are sore and now my back is spasming (?) with pain. All along, my forearms have been tender since the surgery and now I'm really wondering why. It feels like sore or bruised muscles and they're even sensitive to touch, like clothing, very strange. My right side is still swollen or filled with fluid and I'm still taking Tylenol to dull the pain. I read a lot about our lymphatic system; our bodies are pretty amazing.

Not much still

I'm still recovering from my surgery after almost two weeks. It's taking longer than I thought and I haven't been very physical lately. I'm eating anything I want and starting to get tired of the whole situation. Not that I regret doing this, but I wish I could just rest somewhere for three days, no picking up anything or anybody, not stretching too far or going too long with work. The left side is now the better side, no swelling, looks really good. The right side is swollen, keeps swelling and painful. Dr. Saunders says I have fluid there and then I cut him off, so I don't even know what he was going to recommend, but I see him again on the 3rd. I interrupted him because I wanted to know if he was able to clearly distinguish and remove all of the breast tissue. To my delight, he said they came out in one lump; something about breast tissue being very fibrous like that. I've found that keeping it bandaged up, tight, helps. I'm nervous about running on Saturday. I'm going to strap myself up really good, take some Tylenol with codeine and hope for the best! I'll take more pictures after this busy weekend. The in-laws are coming Thursday and we're going to AC after Jake's soccer. It'll be our first visit at our timeshare...

Jake is sick, so is Jim, but Jim is also a year older and anxious. He hates when Jake is sick, running a fever and coughing non-stop.

I've done two intakes for ADCS. Piece of cake, that's all I have to say.

I'm in stinkbug hell! I hope I can get some sleep tonight with the mix of Jake's coughing, me worrying about Jake's coughing, stinkbugs hoovering o'er and discomfort with my underarms.

Just updated pictures

Bandages on Thursday and Friday, off on Saturday.

Great night, bad morning

I can't help but see the last 28 hours as a mix of a wonderful night, celebrating my birthday with new and old friends and family at Firestone's Roasting House last night. For the first time, I was able to float around and talk to everyone while not even once focusing on who wasn't there that said that they would be there. It never crossed my mind who wasn't there because I really enjoyed the time I spent with everyone there and there were no great expectations. Everyone said they had a wonderful time and despite the problem with seating everyone close together, meals coming out timely and bills be provided, we had so much fun. To top off the night, we ended with dancing! I drank to my content's desire, but of course, only got tipsy, never drunk, and even the next day, I wasn't hung over. But I didn't have any wine either, just everything else. The pain from my surgery has subsided a lot on both sides, but I'm still experiencing so much stomach pain that it's keeping me awake and nothing seems to help. I know it's the vicodin and the ibuprofen I took to replace it didn't help. Now I'm just not taking anything and hoping it will all go away. Last night was the best birthday celebration EVER!!!!

WARNING: PICS INCLUDED!!!

Okay, here are some before pics...

Two days post-op

I have lots of pics... to show the transformation from being "double breasted" to being some what normal. I can't believe it was that easy, that cheap, that quick. I wish I did it a loooooong time ago, before my wedding, before the kids, when I first noticed them and they became a slight nuisance to me (which wasn't until I started wearing revealing clothing, around 27 years old. I was so nervous before the surgery, thinking, what if this is how I die, I mean it's just cosmetic... I'm going under to for elective surgery... and then always my blood pressure has been of concern, but no one complained that my readings were high or anything and everyone was so nice and they worked together so well. I knitted, my Aunt Delores graciously took me to the appointment, stayed some two hours and then took me home. I was asleep shortly after the anesthesia went through my system. The next thing I remember was being wakened up and cold! Then trying to go back to sleep and get warm. So far my right arm is fine, but my left arm is in excruciating pain and it's bleeding a little at the incision line. The vicadin they gave me makes me nauseous and hurts my stomach. Luckily I can deal with the pain and once I called the doctor and confirmed I should tighten the bandage around the left side, the pain has reduced. But there is still this knot just above the incision line that throbs with pain and if I lean over something happens and I get a sharp stabbing pain. But did it work... yes! Noticeable reduction of tissue under both arms and this is just a few days after surgery which means, there is probably still a lot of swelling to go down and healing to take place. Okay, for those interested the next blog will contain before pics. DO NOT OPEN THE NEXT BLOG if you do not want to see pictures.

Today is the day

I go in for removal of the excess bilateral axillary breast tissue under my arms today. I'm very nervous, but I know everything will turn out fine. I'm not sure how I'll be afterwards, I assume I'll be sore and tender and down for the day or two, but I hope to be up and ready for my belated birthday party on Saturday to Firestone's on the Wilm Riverfront. I'm excited, a lot of folks have said they're going to come and I just look forward to getting together with my family and friends. I can't wait to wear all kinds of stuff that I used to love wearing, but hated the fact that that extra tissue stuck out. Strapless, sleeveless, halters, tube tops, tank tops!!!!! yea!!!!!

On another note, I'm still working on KJ's blankie; it's turning out really nice, but I'm only at 10". hopefully I'll be done by the end of the month and then I'll start on Semec's son's blankie. We also have another tile job!!!! yea!!! Hopefully it'll be simpler and therefore quicker.

I ran yesterday, partly because I got this delicious "lemon" cake from Constance Grant and I've been enjoying very big slices and not regretting it all. I ran also because I need to and I'm about to do my first 5k for the AIDS Walk on October 1st. Yikes!

Finally I shadowed my intern supervisor, Stephanie Winfree yesterday at Community Hospital and I LOVED IT!!! It's so what I want to do and it felt so comfortable, despite how depressing or shocking the stories were, I was able to just enjoy that the client had this time to talk, to be heard, to strategize and to hope for something better. I have little reservations for jumping in it again thanks to all of the work I did at DHCI with Dr. Barnes. I'm going to get a lot of opportunities and exposure to groups, intake and one-on-ones.

I'm watching Anderson Cooper interview the cast of "How does she do it?" which is a reflection of my life, except I don't do it that well. I'm laughing the entire time and can't wait to see the movie.

I'm feeling manic!

I've got so much going on, I'm feeling manic with little sleep, little food and so much emotion! Jim and I are finishing up the tile work at my uncle's home. The creativity is pouring out of me as I assemble 11 different pieces of tile in varying sizes and colors on three areas of his home in about three weeks. The hardest part is trying to make it all make sense, but I think, for what I was working with and the requests he's made, I've been successful. If that isn't enough work, I've been teaching myself how to draw! I downloaded this book on Jim's Kindle, You Can Draw in 30 Days: The Fun, Easy Way to Learn to Draw in One Month or Less. I'm on day 4 or lesson 3. I'm very excited that one day I'll be able to create my own illustrations to a story I made up with Jake, the Woman and Her Garden. Although I have not had any organized exercise, we did go hiking at Ridley Creek State Park on Saturday for 3 1/2 hours and working on this tile job since Thursday, all with minimal amount of food, low carbs, etc. I'm stuck just under 150 lbs, but I'll keep trying, because soon I'll get used to working two days, intern two days and one day "off". Finally I'm scheduled for removal of bilateral axillary breast tissue on 9/15!!!! The procedure is only supposed to take one hour and my insurance covers it. I'm not supposed to be down for more than 1 weekend. That's the update, could really use some crabs on this Labor Day, but I can wait another day or two.

Still on my journey

So, I'm obsessed again, trying to stay focused and reach my goals. I'm losing weight again since falling off the bandwagon 4th of July weekend and then getting distracted at work and then needing to catch up on my notes. So I had trouble working out everyday, but one thing I found I was able to do and get a good work out, bike ride with Jake and Jim at the Fox Point State Park. It's over two miles and a little more because Jake is still learning and I'm always backtracking. So far we've gone out twice and I've been doing weight and ab training, eating low carb and high protein. It also helps because Jim is also doing low carbs, so making meals is easier; I just cook Jake some starch and divide it up in four or five portions to defrost another night. It's been working great, I'm able to stick to low carbs and I'm not wasting much. My focus is I'd like to be down to my wedding weight by my anniversary, that's 4 more pounds in five days. Thinking that way made me get on the elliptical this morning, especially after attempting to try on my wedding gown last night. I also want to be down to a weight when I see the plastic surgeon about my axiliary tissue. I don't want there to be any questions about some of the tissue being fat. And now I'm thinking that when I go away for my anniversary this weekend, I won't take a vacation "break" with food or exercise. I won't torture myself, but it won't be a free for all. I know I must seem crazy, but thinking this out really helps me to stay focused. Besides, my lower half has gotten to a great size, but my top half is where I'm holding on to the weight! I don't know what "fruit" shape that is, but I liken it more to a freezey pop with the two sticks. Anyway, I've done all of this the two weeks before my period! That's an accomplishment all in itself.

It's been hard

With the humidity, fatigue and allergy attack on my systems, I had a hard time working out for the last week or two. It seemed I never had enough sleep and I finally went to the pharmacist to find something OTC for the fuzziness I felt in my head but wouldn't raise my blood pressure. He told me there was nothing over the counter, but I could use a steroid based nasal spray. I held back the tears. I knew if I didn't take care of it soon, it would turn into an infection. But then I thought, Oh! like I used many years ago? before I moved to a carpet free home and now that I live in the freaking woods! The same prescription that Jim was given and is sitting on the window sill? Well anyway, I just have to push through. I feel better, but the medicine wears off by the end of the day, so by morning, I'm not exhausted, but I'm still not motivated. And there are so many other things, as always. We're working on the garden at W. 10th St., should finish up tonight. I have notes, that I've had no motivation to catch up on and it's the 25th! and then it's close to my period, so I had no will power to say no to the Oreo ice cream cake Hoodie had at her party! Uggh, but!!!! Jim has been following the high protein, no carbs, except greens diet for about two weeks, so it's easier. This weekend I made meatballs, then added Italian sausage yesterday. Tonight I was ready to grill chicken breast, but mom said she had pork roast left for our dinner tonight! tuna, Carnation breakfast drinks and a little fruit is what my diet is consisting of. I added a 4o min bike ride through Bellevue this morning and staying active with the pool, yard work, and my usual running up and down, cleaning, "project-ing" self. My goal is to stay on target and focused until our anniversary, August 21st. I hope to kick this 10-20 pounds that keeps holding on. I feel focused now and hopefully will get back to where I was three weeks ago. Also, great news, I have an intern meeting with my possible supervisor at Crozer!!!!! Yipppppeeee! I keep praying that things will work out the way they're supposed to, with lots of experience and great supervision! So even though it's been hard, and trust me, this is only dealing with my weight loss goal, it's been worth it. My blood pressure is still normal with medication and I'm not giving up! The 10 pounds will have to break at some point, we can't go on like this forever.

I think I'm ready...

I think I'm ready to have plastic surgery. Let me clarify, I have been dealing with axillary breast tissue under my arms, lopsided to boot, since I was in my early twenties. It was never a real problem until I started wearing tube and tank tops, and swim wear in public. (Some of you know that the church organization I used to belong to had restrictions for modesty). Now that I'm losing weight and getting down to a normal size AND it's summer time, it's really starting to bother me again. I spent the last hour looking on the internet about more information and I don't know why I did, but I became obsessed again. Finally I checked out "images" on bilateral axillary breast tissue removal and found me in the list of images, YIKES!!!!

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://assets10.medhelp.org/profiles/427742_tn%3F1203646226&imgrefurl=http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Womens-Health/Breast-tissue-in-underarm/show/28812%3Fpage%3D1&usg=__uvsJlrm4kH2IZAaxcXY08CuN5kA=&h=48&w=48&sz=2&hl=en&start=51&zoom=1&itbs=1&tbnid=TtmDHoTmqEXgZM:&tbnh=48&tbnw=48&prev=/search%3Fq%3DBilateral%2BAxillary%2BBreast%2BTissue%2BRemoval%26start%3D40%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsafari%26sa%3DN%26rls%3Den%26ndsp%3D20%26tbm%3Disch%26prmd%3Divns&ei=hycnTqW3O8fd0QHh6djkCg

Anyway, I'm at that point where when I hook up with my new PCP (primary care physician), I'll ask for a referral. Two things make me nervous about having the procedure, 1) the chance that they will damage one of my limpnoids, which I heard has been a risk and 2) that all those folks that discouraged me whenever I complained, will be right if I should die from the attempt. There is a final issue, of copay. I mean, I would hope that my insurance would cover it, but how much? Anyway, I'm tired of this deformation. NO! it's not a shorten arm or leg, and it's not some terrible genetic disorder that makes life difficult living fully, or even a birthmark on my face, but it does bother me and makes me feel like "only if...". I mean it's not like I'm wanting to stop the effects of aging or change the shape of my chin because it's not "cute", I have two very distinct appendages hanging from under my arms, one much larger than the other and there's just no reason for it.

The Insignificant

I can't blame you for bringing me down, just for awaking the feelings I've always dealt with because of my father who had broken my trust, disregarded my feelings and the love and trust of those closest to me. I'm not saying that all men are distrusting or that all women are honorable and I don't believe that of you, not where we are now. Maybe when we were dating, you were unsure and still searching and later, you finally understood what spending hours in front of the computer instead of coming to bed can do to a relationship. But you still don't understand what befriending a person who would so easily threaten your happiness can do to me. I feel broken and tender and there's nothing that can be done about it. I didn't sleep well, the feelings carried over into my dreams and they were unpleasant and draining. Not being open and acting as if things are insignificant feels like when your friends keep a secret from you. As your closest friend and lover, there should be nothing between us, no secrets, no relationships, I should be the one you tell everything to, even the insignificant.

Fear

I have a hard time understanding fear. Why people live behind it, in it, do everything they can to avoid it, but in reality, they actually allow it to control them. I understand being afraid, especially of the unknown, but once you realize that fear is what is messing with your mind, then why do some people say, "Okay, I'm not going to let that stop me." and others say, "I need a minute, wait, I can't handle this, or NO!"? What do they think is going to happen? What is the worse thing that could happen? I know people that won't say how they really feel, positive or negative because of fear. They won't try new things or go somewhere different out of fear. They won't put themselves in a certain situation, not because they might die, but because they might be uncomfortable. As a person that wholly believes in biological instincts, how can allowing fear of things that are not comfortable or known be beneficial? Why do people care so much about what others think, not being inconsiderate, but not doing what you want or saying what you want because of it? I cannot be a person that is controlled by fear. I cannot enable others that are controlled by fear. I can hardly stand being around them. It's going to be so hard "helping" others who are afraid of everything. I wish I could empathize.

"Whatever you're doing, keep it up!"

Just got back from my 6 month follow up on my hypertension with my primary physician and I'm so proud of myself. I know I may have given the impression that my appearance, particularly my weight is very important to me, but it's more like my need to get an A on exam, not so much about anything else except how I performed. Well even more than that, my weight loss has always been about my health. I knew that my hypertension recently had been about a 10 pound weight gain in 30 or so days. I'm naturally thin and I don't think my body or my systems can handle when I push it pass the 10 or 15 pounds. I was ecstatic when my blood pressure readings averaged 118/86! To hear that my top number was it's normal reading before the kid, before marriage and extreme stress, before weight gain, was unbelievable. I just thought... 'I did it, I did it! but how did I do it?' When Dr. Sobel (soon to be retired) said that my weight lost had a significant impact on my readings and then showed me over the last four years how much of a correlation it's had, I was really surprised, yet not really. I just didn't think that 20-25 pounds would really have an effect. If there's no greater motivator to keep me doing what I'm doing, it's seeing my health improve with my appearance. I have to accept that I may never have normal blood pressure readings without medication, I have hypertension, like my mom, like my grandmother did and like so many of my ancestors before, but I don't have to let it beat me. I'm keeping it up!

10 pound Slimdown

So I'm back on track since memorial day and girls' weekend. I gained roughly 4 pounds and I wasn't really bad, but chocolate, wine and even chocolate wine was involved and limited exercise due to the humidity and forgetting my sneakers. This week was the Greek festival and they are known for their food and pastries. I mostly stuck to low carb, high protein items and ran 3 days. I am also utilizing my expensive cable and I found workouts on demand! 10 pound Slim down has a program to lose 10 pounds and shape up in 30 days. I don't care if I lose the 10 pounds, but 6 would be nice. I've tried core training which kicked my abs and then butt and thigh workout that was hard, but I need something to lift this sagging butt. I'm going out to run for 45 mins to an hour and then a day of gardening, painting Jake's room and house cleaning. That's right, I didn't mention catching up on my notes (for work) or anything because.... I'm still caught up.

I just remembered after having a dream last night about high school and my high school friends that we're supposed to be having a reunion. I haven't heard anything more, so I think it's been put on the back burner but it made me think of... I can't say, because these blogs are public and no one needs to be reading this or reading into this. I just wish I had the confidence and wherewithal to think that I was fairly attractive and there were guys around me that thought so too. This was probably brought on because someone to be nameless tried to chat with me last night, but I didn't see it until later. Not sure what I would've done and I don't want it to led to anything. Oh well, you can never go back and honestly I'm having plenty of fun now just getting ample attention from the hubby and interest from others and every once and a while I'll see my reflection and think, "Wow, I'm pretty." Last night I saw sparkles in my eyes while I was talking, I hope others can see that inner beauty and confidence too. Time to go run!

Time and Place

I'm at a time and place where I'm caught up on my work and I'm just trying to stay awake long enough to stay "here". At home, I'm starting to tackle those tasks that have been sitting there since it was cold and I was stressed. So this morning I went through one of the bags I tucked my pile of school work and books away in. I could've worked on the garden or ran again today, but I decided to shower first thing and that set everything else in motion. My creative juices are starting to surface and I'm dying to make something or paint something... I went to Michael's last night, a craft shop, and picked up Jake's frame for his sun print he made at DCH and it looks wonderful, but is a strange size, so I ordered another kit of 5" x 7" sheets to work on this summer. It'll be fun for me and mom and maybe some of his friends.

I've been tired and nervous and worrying about my blood pressure. So I started taking my water pill again, but it depresses me. I don't understand what's wrong with my body that losing weight, working out and eating right doesn't resolve? I know, many others deal with diabetes and other genetic diseases that they will take medication for for the rest of their lives, but I hate what the water pill does to me, could be doing to me, to the rest of my systems. Then I've gained weight with the past weekend and my period and I'm probably retaining water... I so tired it's hard to work out and being nervous makes me eat. I've been going through a container of roasted peanuts (no salt) like it's my job. Every time I wonder, 'could I be pregnant?', but I know I'm not. I'm trying to stay focused, remembering why I need to lose these last 8 pounds, the HTN, my health over all, Jake, my confidence, summer clothes, etc. I think being tired, arguing with Jim again and trying to keep things in order is what's really the issue. Despite all of that, I still have a headache, the one I was worried about it being a symptom of my HTN. I'm going to the beach tomorrow after work with my Aging friends. I hope it's an incredibly relaxing weekend. I'm starting to look forward to taking a break from case managing and doing internship again, these clients are driving me crazy!

How do I prevent this from happening again?

Okay, I'm down another pound and it's been 9 days on very minimal carbs diet and working out. I won't be able to go the full two weeks, will be in North Carolina with Jim's family and it's Memorial Day weekend. I'm going to have some wine and just eat normal, but wise. Saturday will be day 13, so that's not too bad. But when I'm at my goal weight, how do I avoid this from happening again? I have to keep this in mind because I've been struggling with this 5-20 pounds for the last 10 years! Do I get on the scale every week? Do I start dieting again at 5 pounds over my idea weight? I know I'm going to keep exercising, running, strength training and staying active in general, but when times are stressful and time is short, what will keep me on target? That is what I have to keep in mind, maintaining this weight loss for years! Never seeing 150 again! How will I do it?

It's working!

Monday I started my strict regimen of no or very little carbohydrates and today the scale says I lost 4 pounds. I can see it, I can feel it, I can literally feel my stomach burning the fat. I'm only three pounds from my "wedding weight" and most of my clothes don't fit me at all! Even stuff that was my "in between" clothes before are loose. That's means I've surpassed my weight over the last few years!!! I think since I got pregnant. I'm still waiting for the ball to drop. Ten more days to go...I just don't know that I'll be able to run or work out like I've been this week. But as my mantra has been, I'm not giving up.

Kicking it up a notch

Okay, call me obsessive, 'cause I am. I've been teetering between two or three pounds for three weeks. I want to push my weight loss to the next level so I'm doing two weeks of no carbs and working out at least four or five days a week. My co-worker happens to be a certified Body Pump instructor and she's studying for this intense core training that is only 30 mins, CX30. She practiced on us last week and I was so sore around my core area, but it was a good sore. I'm encouraging her to keep working with us, possibly getting approval to teach the class as a health incentive to the building if we can get permission to use a conference room. But for now, just in one of our offices. Unfortunately she's got that cold that my whole family had a month ago and she wasn't up to working out yesterday, but I refused to let that stop me. I brought my workout clothes anyway and ran to the Brandywine and back for 1/2 hour (approximately 2 miles). It feels great. So as of today I have one day of carb free and 30 mins of intense exercise down and 13 more to go. The carb free is much harder than the exercise...

What's with the obsession? I went to Marshall's on Sunday and found not one, but four great looking swimwear pieces! I only brought three for the price of one swimsuit ($67) and one is reversible, so yes, that's two in one!!!! I love it, a beautiful classic one piece strapless in a bluish red by Jantzen, fits like a glove and actually holds the girls up! A polka dot bikini by Jag that the top fits PERFECT and supports like I've been looking for, but the bottom was switched out for an XL so I'm seeing if some skilled seamstress can alter to my size (fingers crossed) and finally a black and white print/polka dot, bra sized top, reversible two piece by Coco Reef that I could wear right now! It's been so hard finding the right swimsuit because I'm only 42 and I don't have a figure that I feel I should cover up with skirt bottoms or a tankini, but the girls are hanging now and I have to have a top with support. I'd just like to be a little thinner (5-8 pounds) and toner around my waistline.

This is really hard for me to imagine, getting back to my idea weight. I keep thinking, what's going to sabotage it? Pregnancy? an injury? some health condition? going back in to internship in the Fall? I don't plan on giving up and I love working out, so I think it's just a matter of eating right most of the time. Just 15-20 more pounds to go and I hope to knock out at least 5, hopefully more by the end of these two weeks!

PS. I love Marshall's!!!!

Mother's Day

I've been sick for more than 2 weeks, finally on some antibiotics, but it does only so much for a sinus infection. At least I can breath out of my nose at night without any medicine. Today, I ran 3 miles and pushed myself uphill several times thinking about my blood pressure being out of control because of all these medications and not sleeping. I also thought about Jake, running for Jake, doing this for Jake. It's mother's day but I'm so thankful for him and that he made me a mom and how adventurous he makes my life. At least I have that. Which leds me into my next statement, Jim and I argued again today, over my supposed bad mood, over scheduling too many things to do today, over not telling him that my family was coming over for dinner. Other than that, the day was really nice. Mom, Erica and Rae came over and we put together basically a seafood feast, crabs, grilled oysters, mussels, grilled salmon, coleslaw, corn and red potatoes. Everything was delicious and I'm stuffed. Jim said he wasn't going to stay, but he ate dinner and thanked everyone. Jake was hyped up and didn't want to leave the girls. My mom got me a card and garden flowers. It was nice to see someone had honored me for mother's day. Rachel bought me an online gift certificate from Shutterfly. I'm not sure how I'm going to use it, but we'll see. Now I'm exhausted, running, gardening, shopping, cooking, and eating, takes a lot out of you. Despite a wonderful day with family and great weather and getting so much accomplished, I'm still disappointed that Jim didn't take the time to get me anything.

BODY and MIND

I'm so glad I decided not to give up. The physical symptoms are starting to dissipate and that's making my mood much better. I also ran outside this morning because Jim got up early this morning and fell back asleep on the couch, so I couldn't use the elliptical. I didn't run too far, through Bellevue Park and back, but it was 30 mins and over a mile and half. I've had salad again for lunch and a little chicken. Hopefully I'll be able to manage my digestive symptom on these dag gone iron pills. I haven't felt right in a long time because of constipation. Anyway, will keep trying to battle the bulge and work toward my goals of lowering my blood pressure, getting off this HTN medication and looking better.

Grrrr! I feel awful!

In a really awful mood. I feel awful, I'm gaining weight, this weekend was bad. I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless. Like running up hill and no end in sight, no view, no hope of reaching my goal. I'm inclined to think this is hormonal, but I can't pinpoint it, I'm just hating my life right now. I worked on the yard a little. I'd been avoiding it because most of what we worked so hard on last year is beginning to weed again. So I brought down all of my gardening books and started going through them for knowledge, guidance, inspiration. It helped a little. I was able to tackle a group of azalea bushes and all the underbrush. A little bit of fertilizer and mulch and it actually looks good. I'm piling through my folders, getting everything in order for the audit, but still need to work on finding a placement, talking to my supervisors, entering client's in the new system and turning in my last bit of paperwork for internship. Oh, and get rid of the piles and do mom's tax returns. Oh shoot! I only have four more days, must start them tomorrow.

So I'm feeling like crap, guilty about what I've eaten all weekend and discouraged about what I haven't lost, more importantly, what I continue to gain and my sucky husband says to me, "Could you not sing when you work out?" This is where the saying 'there's a fine line between love and hate' comes from . I mean it's hard enough to be motivated on Monday evening after a long day of work, cooking dinner, then taking care of a beautiful, but energetic four year, but to add to it, so typical.

I took something for the bloated, backed up feeling and had salads for lunch and dinner. Hopefully I'll be feeling physically better in a day or so. I've got caught up on my notes again and am more than half way through with going through my charts.

I won't give up, I have to remember why I do this, for my son, for my health, for my self image. I will start again tomorrow. Tonight, I'll rest.

Body Pump

I'm not sure what I did, but I know I over did it. I helped a friend move a few boxes out of his ex's place on Wednesday and the next day my biceps were sore. I thought, we'll let me keep working on this and since I reached my goal of 10 pounds, I also thought it would be a good time to start changing my workout and adding some free weights. So I checked my local YMCA for a Saturday Body Pump class and started my morning with a vigorous workout. I thought that since my thighs are my strongest and largest muscle, I could use a reasonable amount of weight. I mean, I could handle it and I had been working my thighs out when I work on the elliptical and taking the stairs... 13 pounds wasn't a lot of weight, but shortly after pushing myself through one 5 minute or so song, they felt like noodles. I wondered if this is what a person with decreased control over their extremities might feel like as I stumbled and had difficulty keeping my pose when I needed those muscles to support the rest of my work out. I knew I had gone too far because I could hardly walk down the stairs immediately after the hour workout. And there were so many stairs between the small gym and my car. The only savior was the ramp installed a few years ago to keep the old building to code. More than 24 hours later, the rest of my body now aches from being sore, but I actually wince when I begin to use my quads. I am happy that Jim and I went out together today because I couldn't have gotten in and out of the car for all the places I wanted to check out. So after a trip to Lowes, I walked over to TJ Maxx and found a beautiful, warm and buttery, chocolate brown leather purse to reward myself for the 10 pounds I lost. I was unsure about buying it all the way up to getting into the car afterward, but as I quickly transferred my items from one purse to the new one, I knew I had made the right decision based on the price, the practicability and the quality.

Lately I've been obsessing over my weight again. I'm nibbling a lot and fighting a strong craving to eat something sweet. My period should be next week, but it feels like I've been dealing with these my symptoms for a while. I don't know how much I can take and now the scale says I'm 2 pounds heavier. I wonder if the the ordeal my body is going through doesn't add some weight while I'm "healing"? My thighs feel taunt and heavy; I wouldn't doubt it if some process happens where water is retained. Oh well, I've decided not to give in to eating anything too bad, but it's hard saying "no" to all this nibbling. One good note, I was at Gina's house yesterday, meeting her newborn, Brianna and we were taking pictures and in one picture with me, I noticed that my face isn't as puffy as it was just a month ago. I can't give up, even if I stumble, I'm down 10 pounds, just 3 more to go to reach my next goal, and then another 6 and I'm also done. What's more exciting is it's only April! If I keep this up, I'll be a nice size for the summer when I usually lose weight, eat better and am more active. Imagine, if I can get down to my final goal weight and a couple of pounds, I will feel so good about myself and I'll feel like I've gotten some of my youth back. Halle, I'm coming right behind ya!

My body today.

Some how I feel strong, purposeful, and determined. I met my first goal, getting out of the 160's and the reward, a new pair of casual, athletic like, slip ons! Oh, I've been needing a pair, but they were so expensive, I had trouble buying them. I was surprised to find them so easily at Marshal's, yes, for less! Next, my free undies to match one of the bras I bought online earlier this year. Maybe a treat for Jim too. Oh shoot! $10 off a new bra, why not. Panties, a matching bra and a little cute nightie with support. Support is going to cost you! but I'm worth it and since I'm a platinum Angel, I can pay it off over time. But when I tried the nightie on at home, uh-oh! This is my bra size, I've been watching what I eat, working out. Okay, it's just minutes before my period, but seriously? I feel like a bloated blow up doll. Alright, putting the teddy away until after my period. Sorry Jim, you get sweats and pj's again. Still not giving up. Giving up for what? another 10 pounds on top of the 30? I've lost about 6, just four more to go before I reach my next goal, 10 pounds lost and get my next reward, a beautiful new purse, cost is not an issue! (but you know me, I'm not crazy!)

Three textures! Beautiful, yet difficult.

So I cut my hair again. I opted for a pixie cut since this is the last time I'm going to cut my hair this short. Really I didn't expect it until I heard the razor buzzing. Oh well, it's just hair, it'll grow back, eventually. So just feeling my hair, I have this ridge that goes from my temple, curves on the center of my head, like where babies get that balding thing and back to the other temple. It's crazy because it's so thick and tight and you can distinctly feel the change. Underneath, at the nape and around the edges near the ears is smooth, wavy, lies flat and at that crown, loose, wavy, would be curls if I didn't flat iron my hair so much from that last style that my ends that weren't cut, are straight, relaxer straight. Looking at it, it's all beautiful, curly, has a mind of it's own, even at an 1/8 of an inch long. How could I have ever thought that growing it out natural and "working" with it would change the texture clearly growing out of the roots? It helps me to appreciate it if I look, but it frustrates me, no matter the length, as I rub my hands through it.