Fear

I have a hard time understanding fear. Why people live behind it, in it, do everything they can to avoid it, but in reality, they actually allow it to control them. I understand being afraid, especially of the unknown, but once you realize that fear is what is messing with your mind, then why do some people say, "Okay, I'm not going to let that stop me." and others say, "I need a minute, wait, I can't handle this, or NO!"? What do they think is going to happen? What is the worse thing that could happen? I know people that won't say how they really feel, positive or negative because of fear. They won't try new things or go somewhere different out of fear. They won't put themselves in a certain situation, not because they might die, but because they might be uncomfortable. As a person that wholly believes in biological instincts, how can allowing fear of things that are not comfortable or known be beneficial? Why do people care so much about what others think, not being inconsiderate, but not doing what you want or saying what you want because of it? I cannot be a person that is controlled by fear. I cannot enable others that are controlled by fear. I can hardly stand being around them. It's going to be so hard "helping" others who are afraid of everything. I wish I could empathize.

"Whatever you're doing, keep it up!"

Just got back from my 6 month follow up on my hypertension with my primary physician and I'm so proud of myself. I know I may have given the impression that my appearance, particularly my weight is very important to me, but it's more like my need to get an A on exam, not so much about anything else except how I performed. Well even more than that, my weight loss has always been about my health. I knew that my hypertension recently had been about a 10 pound weight gain in 30 or so days. I'm naturally thin and I don't think my body or my systems can handle when I push it pass the 10 or 15 pounds. I was ecstatic when my blood pressure readings averaged 118/86! To hear that my top number was it's normal reading before the kid, before marriage and extreme stress, before weight gain, was unbelievable. I just thought... 'I did it, I did it! but how did I do it?' When Dr. Sobel (soon to be retired) said that my weight lost had a significant impact on my readings and then showed me over the last four years how much of a correlation it's had, I was really surprised, yet not really. I just didn't think that 20-25 pounds would really have an effect. If there's no greater motivator to keep me doing what I'm doing, it's seeing my health improve with my appearance. I have to accept that I may never have normal blood pressure readings without medication, I have hypertension, like my mom, like my grandmother did and like so many of my ancestors before, but I don't have to let it beat me. I'm keeping it up!

10 pound Slimdown

So I'm back on track since memorial day and girls' weekend. I gained roughly 4 pounds and I wasn't really bad, but chocolate, wine and even chocolate wine was involved and limited exercise due to the humidity and forgetting my sneakers. This week was the Greek festival and they are known for their food and pastries. I mostly stuck to low carb, high protein items and ran 3 days. I am also utilizing my expensive cable and I found workouts on demand! 10 pound Slim down has a program to lose 10 pounds and shape up in 30 days. I don't care if I lose the 10 pounds, but 6 would be nice. I've tried core training which kicked my abs and then butt and thigh workout that was hard, but I need something to lift this sagging butt. I'm going out to run for 45 mins to an hour and then a day of gardening, painting Jake's room and house cleaning. That's right, I didn't mention catching up on my notes (for work) or anything because.... I'm still caught up.

I just remembered after having a dream last night about high school and my high school friends that we're supposed to be having a reunion. I haven't heard anything more, so I think it's been put on the back burner but it made me think of... I can't say, because these blogs are public and no one needs to be reading this or reading into this. I just wish I had the confidence and wherewithal to think that I was fairly attractive and there were guys around me that thought so too. This was probably brought on because someone to be nameless tried to chat with me last night, but I didn't see it until later. Not sure what I would've done and I don't want it to led to anything. Oh well, you can never go back and honestly I'm having plenty of fun now just getting ample attention from the hubby and interest from others and every once and a while I'll see my reflection and think, "Wow, I'm pretty." Last night I saw sparkles in my eyes while I was talking, I hope others can see that inner beauty and confidence too. Time to go run!

Time and Place

I'm at a time and place where I'm caught up on my work and I'm just trying to stay awake long enough to stay "here". At home, I'm starting to tackle those tasks that have been sitting there since it was cold and I was stressed. So this morning I went through one of the bags I tucked my pile of school work and books away in. I could've worked on the garden or ran again today, but I decided to shower first thing and that set everything else in motion. My creative juices are starting to surface and I'm dying to make something or paint something... I went to Michael's last night, a craft shop, and picked up Jake's frame for his sun print he made at DCH and it looks wonderful, but is a strange size, so I ordered another kit of 5" x 7" sheets to work on this summer. It'll be fun for me and mom and maybe some of his friends.

I've been tired and nervous and worrying about my blood pressure. So I started taking my water pill again, but it depresses me. I don't understand what's wrong with my body that losing weight, working out and eating right doesn't resolve? I know, many others deal with diabetes and other genetic diseases that they will take medication for for the rest of their lives, but I hate what the water pill does to me, could be doing to me, to the rest of my systems. Then I've gained weight with the past weekend and my period and I'm probably retaining water... I so tired it's hard to work out and being nervous makes me eat. I've been going through a container of roasted peanuts (no salt) like it's my job. Every time I wonder, 'could I be pregnant?', but I know I'm not. I'm trying to stay focused, remembering why I need to lose these last 8 pounds, the HTN, my health over all, Jake, my confidence, summer clothes, etc. I think being tired, arguing with Jim again and trying to keep things in order is what's really the issue. Despite all of that, I still have a headache, the one I was worried about it being a symptom of my HTN. I'm going to the beach tomorrow after work with my Aging friends. I hope it's an incredibly relaxing weekend. I'm starting to look forward to taking a break from case managing and doing internship again, these clients are driving me crazy!