That Sweet Period When a Child Needs You Is So Brief

Today is definitely better. I've increased my antidepressant for the next few days by half. Nothing else has changed except being able to get these thoughts out of my head. 

Also I think because I had Jake so late in life, I'm in a position that I should not be in. Raising a teen and caring for a parent. Jake would have been giving me grandchildren at this point if I had him 10 yrs earlier and then that joy of being a grandparent and the stress of caring for a parent would have been balanced. 

I love having Jake, but it's times like this, when I question the purpose of this life, the difficulties, the lack of control over anything other than yourself, why did I bring another person into the world? It's been so long since I've cradled him like a baby, since he really needed me, that I wonder, since it was so brief, was it truly worth it and what have I left him with? Will he be happy to be alive? Will he understand and cherish his place in this life? Will he question his own happiness or will he despise his own existence?

I Will Have Less and Say No More

I have no other place to put these thoughts. It's been a while. I try to share my thoughts and feelings with my friends, family, facebook community, with little or no response. I'm not looking for a response, but I have to get these thoughts out.

I can't say how far my has come from when I started this blog after the birth of my son and trying to get back to myself to several years later and so much change. I don't want to talk about that. So I'm just going to write, freely.

I'm not doing well. I'm really struggling. I hate living right now. I'm not suicidal, but I've definitely lost the joy of life. I'm just so tired of life. I used to look at older people and think they don't do anything. I don't want to be so old that nothing interests me anymore. I want to keep learning, growing, experiencing and teaching. But after 53 Christmases, 53 birthdays, 40+ years of not being successful in love, of working towards things and having to push them back and back and eventually just deciding that maybe in my next life...

In my next life I've have a family and a partner that loves to go on vacation with friends and family. Big groups of family, siblings, parents, inlaws and kids spending time with each other. Family events that they enjoy playing games physically and mentally, board games, volleyball, basketball, riding bikes, taking walks in the woods, going camping. In my next life I will let go of fear earlier. I will have my farm, travel, have a brood (hoard) of children. But now, I will accept that I have the family that I have. That they are only motivated to do things that interest them. That they enjoy being together, but not necessarily doing. That trip to New Orleans for my mom's 70th birthday was horrible. Now when I go away with family, I bring lots of stuff to distract me, I go off on my own and I enjoy the good, leave the rest.

I don't complain anymore about politics; I hate it. It's so selfish to play with lives and livelihood for the sake of winning. I accept that the majority of people fit into two categories, they are silent or they are stupid. Stupid in the sense that they can be fooled, led, tricked by propaganda, lies, religion, selfishness. Again, I accept that this is the way and it will not change and take the good, leave the rest.

I've cried so much lately over things I cannot change, being lonely, being trapped by my life and unable to be completely selfish. My mom needs me. My son is my responsible. I'm in between with no help unless I scream or cry in frustration. 

I'm releasing more. My desires, my wants, my needs that I cannot fill on my own. This coming year, I will have less things. I will say no more. I will let go of what is unimportant and enjoy whatever is left. I feel better.

A total of four

Is it possible that not two, but four of your friends could announce that they are pregnant in the last month or two... Three within the past 24 hrs? Women of various ages, and stages in their life/careers... Three are first time, two, maybe three with a history of infertility, if you count age... I'm so happy for all of them, they all deserve to get what they want. Oh, that was so telling, multilayered statement.

Last night I dreamt so many vivid dreams of unacquired romance, flirting with the unattainable, not getting what you want, whatever or however the good reason. Ironic. Enough self pity, just days before the start of another painful period. Sore gums, worse heartburn, insomnia that drugs won't even stop. Oh, there I go again. Okay, done