It's been hard

With the humidity, fatigue and allergy attack on my systems, I had a hard time working out for the last week or two. It seemed I never had enough sleep and I finally went to the pharmacist to find something OTC for the fuzziness I felt in my head but wouldn't raise my blood pressure. He told me there was nothing over the counter, but I could use a steroid based nasal spray. I held back the tears. I knew if I didn't take care of it soon, it would turn into an infection. But then I thought, Oh! like I used many years ago? before I moved to a carpet free home and now that I live in the freaking woods! The same prescription that Jim was given and is sitting on the window sill? Well anyway, I just have to push through. I feel better, but the medicine wears off by the end of the day, so by morning, I'm not exhausted, but I'm still not motivated. And there are so many other things, as always. We're working on the garden at W. 10th St., should finish up tonight. I have notes, that I've had no motivation to catch up on and it's the 25th! and then it's close to my period, so I had no will power to say no to the Oreo ice cream cake Hoodie had at her party! Uggh, but!!!! Jim has been following the high protein, no carbs, except greens diet for about two weeks, so it's easier. This weekend I made meatballs, then added Italian sausage yesterday. Tonight I was ready to grill chicken breast, but mom said she had pork roast left for our dinner tonight! tuna, Carnation breakfast drinks and a little fruit is what my diet is consisting of. I added a 4o min bike ride through Bellevue this morning and staying active with the pool, yard work, and my usual running up and down, cleaning, "project-ing" self. My goal is to stay on target and focused until our anniversary, August 21st. I hope to kick this 10-20 pounds that keeps holding on. I feel focused now and hopefully will get back to where I was three weeks ago. Also, great news, I have an intern meeting with my possible supervisor at Crozer!!!!! Yipppppeeee! I keep praying that things will work out the way they're supposed to, with lots of experience and great supervision! So even though it's been hard, and trust me, this is only dealing with my weight loss goal, it's been worth it. My blood pressure is still normal with medication and I'm not giving up! The 10 pounds will have to break at some point, we can't go on like this forever.

I think I'm ready...

I think I'm ready to have plastic surgery. Let me clarify, I have been dealing with axillary breast tissue under my arms, lopsided to boot, since I was in my early twenties. It was never a real problem until I started wearing tube and tank tops, and swim wear in public. (Some of you know that the church organization I used to belong to had restrictions for modesty). Now that I'm losing weight and getting down to a normal size AND it's summer time, it's really starting to bother me again. I spent the last hour looking on the internet about more information and I don't know why I did, but I became obsessed again. Finally I checked out "images" on bilateral axillary breast tissue removal and found me in the list of images, YIKES!!!!

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://assets10.medhelp.org/profiles/427742_tn%3F1203646226&imgrefurl=http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Womens-Health/Breast-tissue-in-underarm/show/28812%3Fpage%3D1&usg=__uvsJlrm4kH2IZAaxcXY08CuN5kA=&h=48&w=48&sz=2&hl=en&start=51&zoom=1&itbs=1&tbnid=TtmDHoTmqEXgZM:&tbnh=48&tbnw=48&prev=/search%3Fq%3DBilateral%2BAxillary%2BBreast%2BTissue%2BRemoval%26start%3D40%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsafari%26sa%3DN%26rls%3Den%26ndsp%3D20%26tbm%3Disch%26prmd%3Divns&ei=hycnTqW3O8fd0QHh6djkCg

Anyway, I'm at that point where when I hook up with my new PCP (primary care physician), I'll ask for a referral. Two things make me nervous about having the procedure, 1) the chance that they will damage one of my limpnoids, which I heard has been a risk and 2) that all those folks that discouraged me whenever I complained, will be right if I should die from the attempt. There is a final issue, of copay. I mean, I would hope that my insurance would cover it, but how much? Anyway, I'm tired of this deformation. NO! it's not a shorten arm or leg, and it's not some terrible genetic disorder that makes life difficult living fully, or even a birthmark on my face, but it does bother me and makes me feel like "only if...". I mean it's not like I'm wanting to stop the effects of aging or change the shape of my chin because it's not "cute", I have two very distinct appendages hanging from under my arms, one much larger than the other and there's just no reason for it.

The Insignificant

I can't blame you for bringing me down, just for awaking the feelings I've always dealt with because of my father who had broken my trust, disregarded my feelings and the love and trust of those closest to me. I'm not saying that all men are distrusting or that all women are honorable and I don't believe that of you, not where we are now. Maybe when we were dating, you were unsure and still searching and later, you finally understood what spending hours in front of the computer instead of coming to bed can do to a relationship. But you still don't understand what befriending a person who would so easily threaten your happiness can do to me. I feel broken and tender and there's nothing that can be done about it. I didn't sleep well, the feelings carried over into my dreams and they were unpleasant and draining. Not being open and acting as if things are insignificant feels like when your friends keep a secret from you. As your closest friend and lover, there should be nothing between us, no secrets, no relationships, I should be the one you tell everything to, even the insignificant.