Maya Angelou woke me up

Last week was so incredibly painful and then it was not. I was at the depths of my illness, and then someone spoke to me in their work and I miraculously was lifted out. That's the awfulness of depression, this physical pain, hopelessness, cloudiness of reality and emotional/cognitive distortions. Life is hard and at times unbearable, but it is also filled with light, love, purpose and joy. 

I knew I was down deep and no one knew how bad it was. I cried and worked and thought and wrote and cried some more. Listening to music, I was encouraged. So many suffer from depression, thankfully, and talk about it. But it wasn't until a thought came to my mind, "I know Why a Caged Bird Sings" that I thought, 'why?' and searched for the poetry of Maya Angelou to give me understanding. I couldn't find the exact poem, because it's a book and the poem is called "Caged Bird", but I did listen to one of her guest performances and she talked of other poetry that 1) spoke of a slave who sacrificed his life because he had hope that one day, his descendants would know freedom and 2) she believed that one day her words would fall on someone in need, someone she may never know or that she even may not be alive at the time, but it would bring them out of a dark place and the next day, they would be able to rise. I thought about my life and my freedom and how maybe this was God's way of freeing a race of people who were, not by choice, brought to lands that they would one day thrive. I am that descendant, I am their hope. I cannot let them down. I will live and fight, so my children and my descendants can experience a life, no matter how long it takes and out of sight it may be, where they are on equal footing with their european counterparts. What I can't imagine now, but know what I hope for, may one day exist for them as freedom from slavery exist for me today.

Then it passed, the suffering, the questioning and some hope appeared. A few days later, I heard a women of Jewish ancestry explain why her people, who have suffered similar oppression, found a way to have hope and survive. She stated that it was difficult, but what she understood was that when one is down and hopeless, another will have hope for them and encourage them and so on. And that's what keeps us striving for what we hope for. That's how we survive this painful journey.

Today, my close friend, my sister in heart, called me hopeless and wanting to die. She also suffers from severe depression and cognitive distortions. I was able to cry with her and sit with her and encourage her and share what I had experienced last week and promised her that when she can't find a reason to live, I will give her hope until she can.

I'm hurting so badly now, taking on the pain and suffering of others. Life is so hard, but at the same time, it's filled with joy and amazement. I don't know why some of us suffer from depression to the point of questioning our very existence, but I pray you have someone who will sit with you and lift you up until you feel hopeful and that you in turn can do that for someone else.

Death by Mental Illness

Naomi Judd, a famous country singer took her life a day before being inducted into the Music Hall of Fame. She had openly discussed her struggles with depression over her life. It got me thinking about my battle and how I have suicidal ideations when I'm stressed, overwhelmed and discouraged. Would I even consider suicide if I didn't struggle with maintaining the basics of life, be a double minority, have a history of self-hate?

Today protestors went to Washington, DC today after hearing that the conservative side of the supreme court was considering reviewing and overturning Roe vs. Wade. Ukraine is still fighting the invasion of Russia and the other night, John Oliver, host and comedian of his HBO show, discussed how blacks are more likely to die prematurely due to where they live and the fact that companies and government have notoriously placed hazardous factories and utilities within their neighborhoods. I still can't get over the last six, no 12 yrs of politics and seeing how hard whites in power will do anything to maintain their place.

It all makes me wonder what's the point. Life is so hard and blatantly society is skewed to keep many down. Gas, food, clothing, housing, education, travel is all out of reach for many. I haven't had a raise from providers since I started, yet everything has inflated in cost. Being faced with financial issues that depend on me to be motivated to follow through with paperwork is my hardest battle. 

So I think if the divorce was a normal divorce and Jim lived, or at least didn't remarry just before dying and leaving everything in the hands of an evil person, if I could've transitioned from one job to another without a period of not getting paid and out of money my former employer owed me... the cost for lawyers and to fight for what Jim and I worked together to attain... if I wasn't paying for Jim's decision to not withhold enough taxes. If life wasn't so hard, nickel and diming you with every turn. I hate home ownership and I'd like capitalism to be overthrown. Why do people need so much money that they spend it on the most ridiculous things. Have rooms, houses, cars, more than one can use at any time. I really hate this world we live in. I don't think it will ever change and history shows we are greedy and selfish, childlike.

I wonder why life is not enough. I know the pain of depression, that sickening feeling in my chest, watering of my eyes, the lack of enthusiasm over life at times feels unbearable. I personally have given up on the hope that I'll control my weight, live without physical pain, stop taking on too much, running out of time, find a man to spend the other part of my life with, not worry about money and obligations. But even if I had money, security, time, would it be enough. I am still so disgusted with people and their stupidity, inability to think for themselves, to chose love over fear. It's hard for me to understand what she was struggling with. Was it just the pain, the loneliness, emptiness?

I really am not sure if it will change, but I'm going to spend this week facing my obligations and then, once this burden is off my back, if I don't feel better, I will make drastic changes.