Naomi Judd, a famous country singer took her life a day before being inducted into the Music Hall of Fame. She had openly discussed her struggles with depression over her life. It got me thinking about my battle and how I have suicidal ideations when I'm stressed, overwhelmed and discouraged. Would I even consider suicide if I didn't struggle with maintaining the basics of life, be a double minority, have a history of self-hate?
Today protestors went to Washington, DC today after hearing that the conservative side of the supreme court was considering reviewing and overturning Roe vs. Wade. Ukraine is still fighting the invasion of Russia and the other night, John Oliver, host and comedian of his HBO show, discussed how blacks are more likely to die prematurely due to where they live and the fact that companies and government have notoriously placed hazardous factories and utilities within their neighborhoods. I still can't get over the last six, no 12 yrs of politics and seeing how hard whites in power will do anything to maintain their place.
It all makes me wonder what's the point. Life is so hard and blatantly society is skewed to keep many down. Gas, food, clothing, housing, education, travel is all out of reach for many. I haven't had a raise from providers since I started, yet everything has inflated in cost. Being faced with financial issues that depend on me to be motivated to follow through with paperwork is my hardest battle.
So I think if the divorce was a normal divorce and Jim lived, or at least didn't remarry just before dying and leaving everything in the hands of an evil person, if I could've transitioned from one job to another without a period of not getting paid and out of money my former employer owed me... the cost for lawyers and to fight for what Jim and I worked together to attain... if I wasn't paying for Jim's decision to not withhold enough taxes. If life wasn't so hard, nickel and diming you with every turn. I hate home ownership and I'd like capitalism to be overthrown. Why do people need so much money that they spend it on the most ridiculous things. Have rooms, houses, cars, more than one can use at any time. I really hate this world we live in. I don't think it will ever change and history shows we are greedy and selfish, childlike.
I wonder why life is not enough. I know the pain of depression, that sickening feeling in my chest, watering of my eyes, the lack of enthusiasm over life at times feels unbearable. I personally have given up on the hope that I'll control my weight, live without physical pain, stop taking on too much, running out of time, find a man to spend the other part of my life with, not worry about money and obligations. But even if I had money, security, time, would it be enough. I am still so disgusted with people and their stupidity, inability to think for themselves, to chose love over fear. It's hard for me to understand what she was struggling with. Was it just the pain, the loneliness, emptiness?
I really am not sure if it will change, but I'm going to spend this week facing my obligations and then, once this burden is off my back, if I don't feel better, I will make drastic changes.
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