Purposeless

I really hate getting old. I know I'm not the first person to express this, but lately I just feel so purposeless. I mean I feel I have a lot to contribute and learn, but I don't feel special. Maybe because there are so many of us "40 somethings" around. We're not starting and were not ending, we're that place in the middle that no one really asks about. Uggh! Maybe it's hormones, but lately I envy the 30 somethings. This is awful, as a therapist, how can I encourage others that they are valuable despite the lack of luster of the outside appearance or the deteriorating of the internal parts and workings. And I know all of this stuff! So maybe it is hormones, but I really feel "dated".

Only

Okay, 5 golden oreo cookies and one twinkie later and I'm sure my period should be coming soon. This weekend, Vanesha stayed for the weekend and Jake loved every minute of it. When she left, he was so sad. It's a shame they don't live closer or that they're both in the same boat, only children. Oh well, there could be worse fates. And yes, I'm sad, especially because I'm still trying and I've eaten all day and I end it with giving in to my cravings. It would be nice if I could have an excuse. Oh well, after this period, I'll keep trying and not every cycle is like this and I'm five pounds away from my 20 pounds goal and another 6 pounds to my possible final goal. The five pounds after that would just be butter or too much and I'd enjoy gaining it back! But let's start with the week.

One other thing I noticed.

I'm not having any breast tenderness before my cycle. That's something I always get right after I ovulate. All I got was swollen feet. Thursday can't come fast enough. Although this could be the beginning of the physical symptoms of menopause. I should read up on that too. And my dreams have been the typical, detailed, vivid and very sensual nightmare! One dream I had was about the water being contaminated in the city of Wilmington where we still lived.  When you drank too much of it, you got symptoms that made you (I can't think of the word...something that means animal-like, work on your basic drives). I've got to stop thinking about it and just let it go. If I am, I am and thinking about it, writing about it, focusing on it is setting me up for disappointment. It doesn't help that people still ask me if "Jim and I are done?". I just respond that the area is shut down, that I'm too old; my eggs are too old. I mean that what doctors, specialist and Jim believes. Besides, you have to copulate for there to even be a chance.

Something strange happened this week...

On the 20th day of my cycle, I had severe cramping. It continued for over a day and at one point I took some Tylenol. Of course this reminds me of when I found out I was pregnant with Jake. I had cramps and some spotting, otherwise known as implantation. I will know for sure in a week; I've been 27 days like clock work for the last 4 months or so. Now thinking of the possibility, I'm not sure how I feel. On one end, I'd given up or it just passed, that feeling or desire to have any more babies come from my body. I've worked so hard on losing weight, I'm finished school, started a full time job... Jim is starting to calm down a little. In other words, I'm satisfied with my life, content. I've accepted it. Also I'm terrified about what could happen, at my age, with my hypertension. On the other hand, I've also wanted another child, up until a few months ago. Even last month, when I found some of my leftover fertility medication, I thought about taking it once last time, one last chance. I still desire to have more children, at least one, possibly a toddler by adoption. Also the thought of being able  to conceive still, makes me feel like I'm still young, still female, still attractive (in the biological sense). The thought of another beautiful child, hopefully a girl, with hair like Jake's, curls with blonde highlights. Just having a bubbly, adorable, girl! a friend for Jake, although 6 years apart. But then I think, of course I'm pregnant! I don't want it anymore! I'm losing weight, what if it's another boy who will wear me out? Can I survive another pregnancy? Jim will have been wrong. Do I really want to prove that he's wrong like this? Will it come to fruition? Will it be healthy? 

Oh well, this may not be of any concern in a few days. Jim will be right about my infertility, Jake will grow up an only child, I will never look into the face of a girl that resembles Jim and I and I still don't know how I feel about it.