Thankful to Wake Up This Morning

Sunday I was finally able to work on my plants and in the flower garden. I was almost near the end of planting some seeds when I stepped on the rake and it smacked me hard on the right side of my face. I felt my eyeball smoosh and a few minutes later, my right nostril started to bleed. It made me nervous because I will never forget the actress that was married to Liam Neeson who hit her head and decided to lay down and never woke up. Most recently, Bob Saget died after a head trauma, went to bed and again, never woke up. I wasn't sure if I should be concerned, so I went to the emergency room, the walk in clinic was closed and I was seen fairly quickly for my initial assessment by the nursing staff. The nurse seemed unphased by my symptoms; I wasn't dizzy, blurry eyed or vomitting and I didn't lose consciousness, so I patiently waited more than another hour for the doctor to see me and discharge me, I decided to leave. Mom prayed for me and I said a few prayers thinking I could not leave Jake at 15, the house in such a state and so many debts on my back. I did think about 'is this when and how I will go, what's to come, will I see Sandra, Donna, my dad? Will I know when I'm going, at least I was doing something I loved and will it be rewarding or sad to see the flowers bloom after my death?'

I cautiously fell asleep on the couch and woke up the next day.  Three days later, I'm still sore, but it was the first time I was thankful I woke up and have a chance to fix things before I leave, hopefully after Jake is established independently.

I mean I'm not thrilled to be alive and the only reason I hang around now is for Jake and my family. Maybe I'll move some place where it's mostly sunny and I can have a small bit of home near friendly animals and close to water and beautiful views.

Satisfied

 

I was deciding how I would share this emotion I have today after a strange wake dream. Normally I would share the dream with my family, but recently I had a disagreement, the usual disagreement with my sister and it puts me in the mood that even when I share dreams, sometimes they don't respond. Partly, I don't feel like engaging with her and partly the dream is saddening and might allude to what she should already know how I feel sometimes because of her. I love my sister and this in no way changes that, but we have always had this relationship where she takes, borrows, uses my things, often without my knowledge and then I don't find out until I want to use it. It's better, she will make sure she asks or at least say she is taking something, but sometimes that message gets lost in translation. It just ruined my plans and I then suggested that we have a way to show when things are borrowed, rented out and returned. Instead of apologizing or taking it with a grain of salt and let it slide off, as usual, she made it about her and got offended. So two days later, I'm still a little miffed and last night I dreamt about a group of friends going out to dinner, making a big deal about getting dressed, seeing the city and eating at an alfresco restaurant that was posh and one of the ladies knew the chef or owner. Two very distinct things happened in the dream and in most of my dreams, firstly, I felt I missed out on things, running late, having to find my own way, things not coming as easy, being on my own or being with others that are dependent on me, not able to offer me anything. Like I'm often leading, speaking up, taking chances, resolving issues and others wait for my direction. I distinctly remember finally getting to the table and for some reason it was set with all of us, about 8 ladies sitting around the one long side of the table and the two other ladies that came with me fell into seats saved for them or someone made room and I was told there was room at the end, far away from anyone I knew and from the energy of the room. Long story short, orders went in and food came out and people were leaving and I was waiting for my food; I was starving by now, but the wait staff didn't have my order and the restaurant was closing. I did taste some plates that the chef made specially for our table, just a bite here and there, just enough to stir up my appetite. Some of the ladies felt bad and assured me that I would get something, that the staff would make sure I would be fed, but I just responded that I've been here before, in my dreams where I'm tempted with what I want, what's coming and it has the potential to be great, to be satisfying, but in the end, it never comes and I'm always left unsatisfied. Needless to say, we left and as I was walking out, I just woke up and thought, yup, even in my dreams, I'm aware that I am never fully satisfied. 

It makes me think about my life and at 53,  how often I haven't been fulfilled, work, love, experiences. I mean I have had great times, been in love, have love of family and friends, seen places, etc. But I've never had more money than I can spend, been without worries or needs, no limitations. Always trying to get down to some weight, grow my hair some length, save money to buy, travel on limited  budget or do or create something to fulfill some feeling missing or momentary inspiration. My dreams are so vivid and the feelings in my dreams are so rich and deep and I think, one day maybe my dreams will come true... but now, I just hope that it will all be over, without any labor. Maybe with whatever is to come is peaceful and easy and worth it, really worth it.

I just believe that all the newness, excitement, joy in life and in me is fading with age and time.