BODY and MIND

I'm so glad I decided not to give up. The physical symptoms are starting to dissipate and that's making my mood much better. I also ran outside this morning because Jim got up early this morning and fell back asleep on the couch, so I couldn't use the elliptical. I didn't run too far, through Bellevue Park and back, but it was 30 mins and over a mile and half. I've had salad again for lunch and a little chicken. Hopefully I'll be able to manage my digestive symptom on these dag gone iron pills. I haven't felt right in a long time because of constipation. Anyway, will keep trying to battle the bulge and work toward my goals of lowering my blood pressure, getting off this HTN medication and looking better.

Grrrr! I feel awful!

In a really awful mood. I feel awful, I'm gaining weight, this weekend was bad. I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless. Like running up hill and no end in sight, no view, no hope of reaching my goal. I'm inclined to think this is hormonal, but I can't pinpoint it, I'm just hating my life right now. I worked on the yard a little. I'd been avoiding it because most of what we worked so hard on last year is beginning to weed again. So I brought down all of my gardening books and started going through them for knowledge, guidance, inspiration. It helped a little. I was able to tackle a group of azalea bushes and all the underbrush. A little bit of fertilizer and mulch and it actually looks good. I'm piling through my folders, getting everything in order for the audit, but still need to work on finding a placement, talking to my supervisors, entering client's in the new system and turning in my last bit of paperwork for internship. Oh, and get rid of the piles and do mom's tax returns. Oh shoot! I only have four more days, must start them tomorrow.

So I'm feeling like crap, guilty about what I've eaten all weekend and discouraged about what I haven't lost, more importantly, what I continue to gain and my sucky husband says to me, "Could you not sing when you work out?" This is where the saying 'there's a fine line between love and hate' comes from . I mean it's hard enough to be motivated on Monday evening after a long day of work, cooking dinner, then taking care of a beautiful, but energetic four year, but to add to it, so typical.

I took something for the bloated, backed up feeling and had salads for lunch and dinner. Hopefully I'll be feeling physically better in a day or so. I've got caught up on my notes again and am more than half way through with going through my charts.

I won't give up, I have to remember why I do this, for my son, for my health, for my self image. I will start again tomorrow. Tonight, I'll rest.

Body Pump

I'm not sure what I did, but I know I over did it. I helped a friend move a few boxes out of his ex's place on Wednesday and the next day my biceps were sore. I thought, we'll let me keep working on this and since I reached my goal of 10 pounds, I also thought it would be a good time to start changing my workout and adding some free weights. So I checked my local YMCA for a Saturday Body Pump class and started my morning with a vigorous workout. I thought that since my thighs are my strongest and largest muscle, I could use a reasonable amount of weight. I mean, I could handle it and I had been working my thighs out when I work on the elliptical and taking the stairs... 13 pounds wasn't a lot of weight, but shortly after pushing myself through one 5 minute or so song, they felt like noodles. I wondered if this is what a person with decreased control over their extremities might feel like as I stumbled and had difficulty keeping my pose when I needed those muscles to support the rest of my work out. I knew I had gone too far because I could hardly walk down the stairs immediately after the hour workout. And there were so many stairs between the small gym and my car. The only savior was the ramp installed a few years ago to keep the old building to code. More than 24 hours later, the rest of my body now aches from being sore, but I actually wince when I begin to use my quads. I am happy that Jim and I went out together today because I couldn't have gotten in and out of the car for all the places I wanted to check out. So after a trip to Lowes, I walked over to TJ Maxx and found a beautiful, warm and buttery, chocolate brown leather purse to reward myself for the 10 pounds I lost. I was unsure about buying it all the way up to getting into the car afterward, but as I quickly transferred my items from one purse to the new one, I knew I had made the right decision based on the price, the practicability and the quality.

Lately I've been obsessing over my weight again. I'm nibbling a lot and fighting a strong craving to eat something sweet. My period should be next week, but it feels like I've been dealing with these my symptoms for a while. I don't know how much I can take and now the scale says I'm 2 pounds heavier. I wonder if the the ordeal my body is going through doesn't add some weight while I'm "healing"? My thighs feel taunt and heavy; I wouldn't doubt it if some process happens where water is retained. Oh well, I've decided not to give in to eating anything too bad, but it's hard saying "no" to all this nibbling. One good note, I was at Gina's house yesterday, meeting her newborn, Brianna and we were taking pictures and in one picture with me, I noticed that my face isn't as puffy as it was just a month ago. I can't give up, even if I stumble, I'm down 10 pounds, just 3 more to go to reach my next goal, and then another 6 and I'm also done. What's more exciting is it's only April! If I keep this up, I'll be a nice size for the summer when I usually lose weight, eat better and am more active. Imagine, if I can get down to my final goal weight and a couple of pounds, I will feel so good about myself and I'll feel like I've gotten some of my youth back. Halle, I'm coming right behind ya!