Today is definitely better. I've increased my antidepressant for the next few days by half. Nothing else has changed except being able to get these thoughts out of my head.
Also I think because I had Jake so late in life, I'm in a position that I should not be in. Raising a teen and caring for a parent. Jake would have been giving me grandchildren at this point if I had him 10 yrs earlier and then that joy of being a grandparent and the stress of caring for a parent would have been balanced.
I love having Jake, but it's times like this, when I question the purpose of this life, the difficulties, the lack of control over anything other than yourself, why did I bring another person into the world? It's been so long since I've cradled him like a baby, since he really needed me, that I wonder, since it was so brief, was it truly worth it and what have I left him with? Will he be happy to be alive? Will he understand and cherish his place in this life? Will he question his own happiness or will he despise his own existence?
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