Thankful to Wake Up This Morning

Sunday I was finally able to work on my plants and in the flower garden. I was almost near the end of planting some seeds when I stepped on the rake and it smacked me hard on the right side of my face. I felt my eyeball smoosh and a few minutes later, my right nostril started to bleed. It made me nervous because I will never forget the actress that was married to Liam Neeson who hit her head and decided to lay down and never woke up. Most recently, Bob Saget died after a head trauma, went to bed and again, never woke up. I wasn't sure if I should be concerned, so I went to the emergency room, the walk in clinic was closed and I was seen fairly quickly for my initial assessment by the nursing staff. The nurse seemed unphased by my symptoms; I wasn't dizzy, blurry eyed or vomitting and I didn't lose consciousness, so I patiently waited more than another hour for the doctor to see me and discharge me, I decided to leave. Mom prayed for me and I said a few prayers thinking I could not leave Jake at 15, the house in such a state and so many debts on my back. I did think about 'is this when and how I will go, what's to come, will I see Sandra, Donna, my dad? Will I know when I'm going, at least I was doing something I loved and will it be rewarding or sad to see the flowers bloom after my death?'

I cautiously fell asleep on the couch and woke up the next day.  Three days later, I'm still sore, but it was the first time I was thankful I woke up and have a chance to fix things before I leave, hopefully after Jake is established independently.

I mean I'm not thrilled to be alive and the only reason I hang around now is for Jake and my family. Maybe I'll move some place where it's mostly sunny and I can have a small bit of home near friendly animals and close to water and beautiful views.

Satisfied

 

I was deciding how I would share this emotion I have today after a strange wake dream. Normally I would share the dream with my family, but recently I had a disagreement, the usual disagreement with my sister and it puts me in the mood that even when I share dreams, sometimes they don't respond. Partly, I don't feel like engaging with her and partly the dream is saddening and might allude to what she should already know how I feel sometimes because of her. I love my sister and this in no way changes that, but we have always had this relationship where she takes, borrows, uses my things, often without my knowledge and then I don't find out until I want to use it. It's better, she will make sure she asks or at least say she is taking something, but sometimes that message gets lost in translation. It just ruined my plans and I then suggested that we have a way to show when things are borrowed, rented out and returned. Instead of apologizing or taking it with a grain of salt and let it slide off, as usual, she made it about her and got offended. So two days later, I'm still a little miffed and last night I dreamt about a group of friends going out to dinner, making a big deal about getting dressed, seeing the city and eating at an alfresco restaurant that was posh and one of the ladies knew the chef or owner. Two very distinct things happened in the dream and in most of my dreams, firstly, I felt I missed out on things, running late, having to find my own way, things not coming as easy, being on my own or being with others that are dependent on me, not able to offer me anything. Like I'm often leading, speaking up, taking chances, resolving issues and others wait for my direction. I distinctly remember finally getting to the table and for some reason it was set with all of us, about 8 ladies sitting around the one long side of the table and the two other ladies that came with me fell into seats saved for them or someone made room and I was told there was room at the end, far away from anyone I knew and from the energy of the room. Long story short, orders went in and food came out and people were leaving and I was waiting for my food; I was starving by now, but the wait staff didn't have my order and the restaurant was closing. I did taste some plates that the chef made specially for our table, just a bite here and there, just enough to stir up my appetite. Some of the ladies felt bad and assured me that I would get something, that the staff would make sure I would be fed, but I just responded that I've been here before, in my dreams where I'm tempted with what I want, what's coming and it has the potential to be great, to be satisfying, but in the end, it never comes and I'm always left unsatisfied. Needless to say, we left and as I was walking out, I just woke up and thought, yup, even in my dreams, I'm aware that I am never fully satisfied. 

It makes me think about my life and at 53,  how often I haven't been fulfilled, work, love, experiences. I mean I have had great times, been in love, have love of family and friends, seen places, etc. But I've never had more money than I can spend, been without worries or needs, no limitations. Always trying to get down to some weight, grow my hair some length, save money to buy, travel on limited  budget or do or create something to fulfill some feeling missing or momentary inspiration. My dreams are so vivid and the feelings in my dreams are so rich and deep and I think, one day maybe my dreams will come true... but now, I just hope that it will all be over, without any labor. Maybe with whatever is to come is peaceful and easy and worth it, really worth it.

I just believe that all the newness, excitement, joy in life and in me is fading with age and time. 

The Other Side

 I wrote this to a dear friend after venting about my lot in life. It’s the reason why I won’t give up.

              ***************************

I do have a balance. I love my work and see a lot of clients grow. I have a few hopelessly negative clients, most have personality disorders, so I use as much of my dbt skills as I can. I want to start my groups!!!

The bunnies are sooo cute and have such personality. You guys have to come visit. 

Jake’s music, grades, personality, humor. I like him. And I see Jim in him. 💕 

My mom is fun, funny, cleans all the time, prays, helps me. And well she’s my mom. And she adds to the house, the house was too big with just me and Jake.

My family, my friends 💕💕💕💕, and glimpse of hope.

Nothing is working!!!! (screams into pillow to muffle the sound)

 I hate today! I hate life right now and I'm going to strangle someone or something if I don't get it out. Nothing works today! I mean nothing is working today! I'm so angry because this is when I feel like life is unnecessarily hard. My apple id is disabled because Jake hijacked my account again and they disabled our accounts. I haven't contacted them again to get it straightened out but long story short, I don't have access to my Icloud storage, my music or the ability to use the app store for purchases or updates. So the problem I've had forever with not having enough storage on my laptop is a problem again. So I figure, let me get this laptop cleaned up once and for all! I finally find the external storage with plenty of room, but it won't work. Says there's not enough storage. I look to see how much I've have on my devices to backup,  Icloud is 300+ GB, Docs and email are also 300+ each. So I go to my email that has over 10,000 unread messages and I begin to clean it up. Several hours later, I go to bed.  The hat I'm knitting had a stitch barely on and I dropped down to fix it, but it's brioche tuck stitch and at the start/end of the row, so it's complicated. I tried to duplicate the process, but I'm not skilled enough or it's impossible. After a few attempts and a couple more hours, I just decided that it would be easier to frog it 5 rows. 

The most annoying is the fact that the cable isn't working. I just got things upgraded and it's had some hiccups, but now, the box needs to be replaced and needs a technician. That means it'll have to be scheduled and the earliest is 3 days out. So here I go trying to get my FireTV stick to work, it always gives me trouble on that 60" Smart TV that I paid $3K for 5 yrs ago! So it's silent in the livingroom and I really wanted to get some things done and having tv in the background is my "whistle while you work". Then I look around and every room looks worse than when I started to clean up and declutter. I've been working on decluttering honestly since we lost Sandra three years, but crap keeps happening, like the basement is wet and we had a great space for lounging in the basement, but it's basically a junk room. Every room in my house, garage and yard, is a junk room! I keep trying to get rid of stuff and I keep bringing in stuff to make things more organized or to use in place of something I got rid it. So actually the most frustrating thing that's not working is me today is my effort to clean up, but underlying frustration with the battle of the bulge. I've been on a cleanse from meat, alcohol, sugars, processed foods, flour, grain, most dairy and eating tons of vegetables, broths, water. Yet, no weight loss. I fluctuate between 171-175 lbs. The final straw I am sensing as I type this is feeling lonely. I sometimes dream about the kind of romantic relationship I wish I had but never have had. It's not fantasy. It's simply someone finding you attractive, worthy and you find him attractive, clever, possessing qualities that you strive for in yourself like hard working, fun, funny, chill and a desire to grow, honesty and compassion.

I just want to scream because I'm so angry! I'm in my living room again after picking up my mom from church and running errands since we're all out. I want to soothe my mood with something warm and sweet like a latte or hot chocolate, fire going, and tv in the background as I knit in a clean living room.

There's more, more financial stuff, but I can't stand to even type it. Let's just say one account is useless and I'm out a few more thousands. Thinking about the mail, I'm right back at SCREAM!!!! 

I'm trying not to punish myself by not eating what I am allowing myself to eat during the cleanse, but I just want to see something work! I'm going to go into the shed and scream into a pillow. Maybe that would help. But even this is not working.

That Sweet Period When a Child Needs You Is So Brief

Today is definitely better. I've increased my antidepressant for the next few days by half. Nothing else has changed except being able to get these thoughts out of my head. 

Also I think because I had Jake so late in life, I'm in a position that I should not be in. Raising a teen and caring for a parent. Jake would have been giving me grandchildren at this point if I had him 10 yrs earlier and then that joy of being a grandparent and the stress of caring for a parent would have been balanced. 

I love having Jake, but it's times like this, when I question the purpose of this life, the difficulties, the lack of control over anything other than yourself, why did I bring another person into the world? It's been so long since I've cradled him like a baby, since he really needed me, that I wonder, since it was so brief, was it truly worth it and what have I left him with? Will he be happy to be alive? Will he understand and cherish his place in this life? Will he question his own happiness or will he despise his own existence?

I Will Have Less and Say No More

I have no other place to put these thoughts. It's been a while. I try to share my thoughts and feelings with my friends, family, facebook community, with little or no response. I'm not looking for a response, but I have to get these thoughts out.

I can't say how far my has come from when I started this blog after the birth of my son and trying to get back to myself to several years later and so much change. I don't want to talk about that. So I'm just going to write, freely.

I'm not doing well. I'm really struggling. I hate living right now. I'm not suicidal, but I've definitely lost the joy of life. I'm just so tired of life. I used to look at older people and think they don't do anything. I don't want to be so old that nothing interests me anymore. I want to keep learning, growing, experiencing and teaching. But after 53 Christmases, 53 birthdays, 40+ years of not being successful in love, of working towards things and having to push them back and back and eventually just deciding that maybe in my next life...

In my next life I've have a family and a partner that loves to go on vacation with friends and family. Big groups of family, siblings, parents, inlaws and kids spending time with each other. Family events that they enjoy playing games physically and mentally, board games, volleyball, basketball, riding bikes, taking walks in the woods, going camping. In my next life I will let go of fear earlier. I will have my farm, travel, have a brood (hoard) of children. But now, I will accept that I have the family that I have. That they are only motivated to do things that interest them. That they enjoy being together, but not necessarily doing. That trip to New Orleans for my mom's 70th birthday was horrible. Now when I go away with family, I bring lots of stuff to distract me, I go off on my own and I enjoy the good, leave the rest.

I don't complain anymore about politics; I hate it. It's so selfish to play with lives and livelihood for the sake of winning. I accept that the majority of people fit into two categories, they are silent or they are stupid. Stupid in the sense that they can be fooled, led, tricked by propaganda, lies, religion, selfishness. Again, I accept that this is the way and it will not change and take the good, leave the rest.

I've cried so much lately over things I cannot change, being lonely, being trapped by my life and unable to be completely selfish. My mom needs me. My son is my responsible. I'm in between with no help unless I scream or cry in frustration. 

I'm releasing more. My desires, my wants, my needs that I cannot fill on my own. This coming year, I will have less things. I will say no more. I will let go of what is unimportant and enjoy whatever is left. I feel better.

A total of four

Is it possible that not two, but four of your friends could announce that they are pregnant in the last month or two... Three within the past 24 hrs? Women of various ages, and stages in their life/careers... Three are first time, two, maybe three with a history of infertility, if you count age... I'm so happy for all of them, they all deserve to get what they want. Oh, that was so telling, multilayered statement.

Last night I dreamt so many vivid dreams of unacquired romance, flirting with the unattainable, not getting what you want, whatever or however the good reason. Ironic. Enough self pity, just days before the start of another painful period. Sore gums, worse heartburn, insomnia that drugs won't even stop. Oh, there I go again. Okay, done