Purposeless

I really hate getting old. I know I'm not the first person to express this, but lately I just feel so purposeless. I mean I feel I have a lot to contribute and learn, but I don't feel special. Maybe because there are so many of us "40 somethings" around. We're not starting and were not ending, we're that place in the middle that no one really asks about. Uggh! Maybe it's hormones, but lately I envy the 30 somethings. This is awful, as a therapist, how can I encourage others that they are valuable despite the lack of luster of the outside appearance or the deteriorating of the internal parts and workings. And I know all of this stuff! So maybe it is hormones, but I really feel "dated".

Only

Okay, 5 golden oreo cookies and one twinkie later and I'm sure my period should be coming soon. This weekend, Vanesha stayed for the weekend and Jake loved every minute of it. When she left, he was so sad. It's a shame they don't live closer or that they're both in the same boat, only children. Oh well, there could be worse fates. And yes, I'm sad, especially because I'm still trying and I've eaten all day and I end it with giving in to my cravings. It would be nice if I could have an excuse. Oh well, after this period, I'll keep trying and not every cycle is like this and I'm five pounds away from my 20 pounds goal and another 6 pounds to my possible final goal. The five pounds after that would just be butter or too much and I'd enjoy gaining it back! But let's start with the week.

One other thing I noticed.

I'm not having any breast tenderness before my cycle. That's something I always get right after I ovulate. All I got was swollen feet. Thursday can't come fast enough. Although this could be the beginning of the physical symptoms of menopause. I should read up on that too. And my dreams have been the typical, detailed, vivid and very sensual nightmare! One dream I had was about the water being contaminated in the city of Wilmington where we still lived.  When you drank too much of it, you got symptoms that made you (I can't think of the word...something that means animal-like, work on your basic drives). I've got to stop thinking about it and just let it go. If I am, I am and thinking about it, writing about it, focusing on it is setting me up for disappointment. It doesn't help that people still ask me if "Jim and I are done?". I just respond that the area is shut down, that I'm too old; my eggs are too old. I mean that what doctors, specialist and Jim believes. Besides, you have to copulate for there to even be a chance.

Something strange happened this week...

On the 20th day of my cycle, I had severe cramping. It continued for over a day and at one point I took some Tylenol. Of course this reminds me of when I found out I was pregnant with Jake. I had cramps and some spotting, otherwise known as implantation. I will know for sure in a week; I've been 27 days like clock work for the last 4 months or so. Now thinking of the possibility, I'm not sure how I feel. On one end, I'd given up or it just passed, that feeling or desire to have any more babies come from my body. I've worked so hard on losing weight, I'm finished school, started a full time job... Jim is starting to calm down a little. In other words, I'm satisfied with my life, content. I've accepted it. Also I'm terrified about what could happen, at my age, with my hypertension. On the other hand, I've also wanted another child, up until a few months ago. Even last month, when I found some of my leftover fertility medication, I thought about taking it once last time, one last chance. I still desire to have more children, at least one, possibly a toddler by adoption. Also the thought of being able  to conceive still, makes me feel like I'm still young, still female, still attractive (in the biological sense). The thought of another beautiful child, hopefully a girl, with hair like Jake's, curls with blonde highlights. Just having a bubbly, adorable, girl! a friend for Jake, although 6 years apart. But then I think, of course I'm pregnant! I don't want it anymore! I'm losing weight, what if it's another boy who will wear me out? Can I survive another pregnancy? Jim will have been wrong. Do I really want to prove that he's wrong like this? Will it come to fruition? Will it be healthy? 

Oh well, this may not be of any concern in a few days. Jim will be right about my infertility, Jake will grow up an only child, I will never look into the face of a girl that resembles Jim and I and I still don't know how I feel about it.

Strangers

Jim and I have been working hard at treating each other better. Jim has been more positive and I have been more cooperative. But Wednesday came and I was at my intern site all day, two groups, paperwork, running around, preparing for class and then class. I was tired, starved, then stuffed, frustrated and by the end of the night, I crawled into the house, dropped my bags, shoulders sloped and sighed. The next day I went back to my intern site and started my day as any other, smiling at strangers, asking how people were doing, being polite, cherry, etc. Then it hit me...remember when Jim and I were strangers? When I used to smile at him whenever I greeted him for the first time that day. When I used to be polite and patient and friendly? I mean, I don't treat him badly, but I definitely show others a side of me that he only sees when I'm greeting friends or strangers. Well that doesn't make much sense? How can I expect him to be how he used to be, when I am not either. I thought about how I come home and we say "hey" and go about our routine. I thought about how I don't do that with Jake. That I smile when I see him, that I hug and kiss him and ask him how his day was. Why? Because I'm so happy to see him and he's so happy to see me and he makes me feel loved. I love my husband and I know he loves me, I can't expect him to treat me one way and it not be reciprocated. So I decided that when Jim came home last night that I would greet him like I would a stranger or a friend. I was changing my clothes when he walked into the room. I turned and with a huge and pleasant smile, I said, "Hello." The response was better than the I expected! He just stared at me for a minute and then cautiously asked "What?" It's going to take some time for us to get used to this, but I see it working. I'm coming back to this blog after a day and so far I've used it again when he came home from work and this morning I said, hung over but still very cherry, "Good morning!". I'm looking forward to seeing where this will go, for now, I get excited when I think about seeing Jake and I'll "fake it till I make it" with Jim.

I have to document this

So, 20 days after surgery, the pain under my arms are diminishing, but my left side has hard tissue near the incision line which makes the whole area very taunt and my full range of movement is restricted. On my right side, the hard tissue is there, but not to the extreme and my range of motion isn't diminished noticeably. The pain down my triceps is only on the left side now. I look forward to the day that the there will be no tightness or hard tissue. I also have numbness above the incision line on my right side.

On a different note, I checked the race results from the 5K and I came in 3rd in my age group (40-49) out of 9 and my time was 34:54; I was 75 overall.

finally some more pics after surgery and after the right side being drained of fluid.

17 days later...

Completed my first 5K!!!! Not too painful and I made it 3rd in my age group. I have no idea how many women were in my age group (40-49), but I'll check eventually. Checked out our condo in AC. It was actually a relaxing time because Russ, Jake and I hung out in the condo while Jim took his mom out to the casino. I went to bed early and even forgot until late Sunday night that I had run 3.2 miles when my thighs became a little sore and I crashed on the couch. Rachel and her cousin Lavonne dropped by to use the condo to change and hang out a little. I can't wait to let her use it when she wants to spend the whole weekend with friends. The condo was great, convenient, mostly clean and had an awesome view of the inlet, Harrah's and the Water Club. Rachel advised me to use ice to reduce the fluid, which is another way of saying swelling on my rt side. So I did and by the time I saw Dr. Saunders today, it had gone down by 40%, but he asked if I wanted him to drain it and so I did and now it's all gone! I'll have pics tomorrow of the rt side "after" after I shower. Here's some before and 17 days after surgery.