Maya Angelou woke me up

Last week was so incredibly painful and then it was not. I was at the depths of my illness, and then someone spoke to me in their work and I miraculously was lifted out. That's the awfulness of depression, this physical pain, hopelessness, cloudiness of reality and emotional/cognitive distortions. Life is hard and at times unbearable, but it is also filled with light, love, purpose and joy. 

I knew I was down deep and no one knew how bad it was. I cried and worked and thought and wrote and cried some more. Listening to music, I was encouraged. So many suffer from depression, thankfully, and talk about it. But it wasn't until a thought came to my mind, "I know Why a Caged Bird Sings" that I thought, 'why?' and searched for the poetry of Maya Angelou to give me understanding. I couldn't find the exact poem, because it's a book and the poem is called "Caged Bird", but I did listen to one of her guest performances and she talked of other poetry that 1) spoke of a slave who sacrificed his life because he had hope that one day, his descendants would know freedom and 2) she believed that one day her words would fall on someone in need, someone she may never know or that she even may not be alive at the time, but it would bring them out of a dark place and the next day, they would be able to rise. I thought about my life and my freedom and how maybe this was God's way of freeing a race of people who were, not by choice, brought to lands that they would one day thrive. I am that descendant, I am their hope. I cannot let them down. I will live and fight, so my children and my descendants can experience a life, no matter how long it takes and out of sight it may be, where they are on equal footing with their european counterparts. What I can't imagine now, but know what I hope for, may one day exist for them as freedom from slavery exist for me today.

Then it passed, the suffering, the questioning and some hope appeared. A few days later, I heard a women of Jewish ancestry explain why her people, who have suffered similar oppression, found a way to have hope and survive. She stated that it was difficult, but what she understood was that when one is down and hopeless, another will have hope for them and encourage them and so on. And that's what keeps us striving for what we hope for. That's how we survive this painful journey.

Today, my close friend, my sister in heart, called me hopeless and wanting to die. She also suffers from severe depression and cognitive distortions. I was able to cry with her and sit with her and encourage her and share what I had experienced last week and promised her that when she can't find a reason to live, I will give her hope until she can.

I'm hurting so badly now, taking on the pain and suffering of others. Life is so hard, but at the same time, it's filled with joy and amazement. I don't know why some of us suffer from depression to the point of questioning our very existence, but I pray you have someone who will sit with you and lift you up until you feel hopeful and that you in turn can do that for someone else.

Death by Mental Illness

Naomi Judd, a famous country singer took her life a day before being inducted into the Music Hall of Fame. She had openly discussed her struggles with depression over her life. It got me thinking about my battle and how I have suicidal ideations when I'm stressed, overwhelmed and discouraged. Would I even consider suicide if I didn't struggle with maintaining the basics of life, be a double minority, have a history of self-hate?

Today protestors went to Washington, DC today after hearing that the conservative side of the supreme court was considering reviewing and overturning Roe vs. Wade. Ukraine is still fighting the invasion of Russia and the other night, John Oliver, host and comedian of his HBO show, discussed how blacks are more likely to die prematurely due to where they live and the fact that companies and government have notoriously placed hazardous factories and utilities within their neighborhoods. I still can't get over the last six, no 12 yrs of politics and seeing how hard whites in power will do anything to maintain their place.

It all makes me wonder what's the point. Life is so hard and blatantly society is skewed to keep many down. Gas, food, clothing, housing, education, travel is all out of reach for many. I haven't had a raise from providers since I started, yet everything has inflated in cost. Being faced with financial issues that depend on me to be motivated to follow through with paperwork is my hardest battle. 

So I think if the divorce was a normal divorce and Jim lived, or at least didn't remarry just before dying and leaving everything in the hands of an evil person, if I could've transitioned from one job to another without a period of not getting paid and out of money my former employer owed me... the cost for lawyers and to fight for what Jim and I worked together to attain... if I wasn't paying for Jim's decision to not withhold enough taxes. If life wasn't so hard, nickel and diming you with every turn. I hate home ownership and I'd like capitalism to be overthrown. Why do people need so much money that they spend it on the most ridiculous things. Have rooms, houses, cars, more than one can use at any time. I really hate this world we live in. I don't think it will ever change and history shows we are greedy and selfish, childlike.

I wonder why life is not enough. I know the pain of depression, that sickening feeling in my chest, watering of my eyes, the lack of enthusiasm over life at times feels unbearable. I personally have given up on the hope that I'll control my weight, live without physical pain, stop taking on too much, running out of time, find a man to spend the other part of my life with, not worry about money and obligations. But even if I had money, security, time, would it be enough. I am still so disgusted with people and their stupidity, inability to think for themselves, to chose love over fear. It's hard for me to understand what she was struggling with. Was it just the pain, the loneliness, emptiness?

I really am not sure if it will change, but I'm going to spend this week facing my obligations and then, once this burden is off my back, if I don't feel better, I will make drastic changes.

Thankful to Wake Up This Morning

Sunday I was finally able to work on my plants and in the flower garden. I was almost near the end of planting some seeds when I stepped on the rake and it smacked me hard on the right side of my face. I felt my eyeball smoosh and a few minutes later, my right nostril started to bleed. It made me nervous because I will never forget the actress that was married to Liam Neeson who hit her head and decided to lay down and never woke up. Most recently, Bob Saget died after a head trauma, went to bed and again, never woke up. I wasn't sure if I should be concerned, so I went to the emergency room, the walk in clinic was closed and I was seen fairly quickly for my initial assessment by the nursing staff. The nurse seemed unphased by my symptoms; I wasn't dizzy, blurry eyed or vomitting and I didn't lose consciousness, so I patiently waited more than another hour for the doctor to see me and discharge me, I decided to leave. Mom prayed for me and I said a few prayers thinking I could not leave Jake at 15, the house in such a state and so many debts on my back. I did think about 'is this when and how I will go, what's to come, will I see Sandra, Donna, my dad? Will I know when I'm going, at least I was doing something I loved and will it be rewarding or sad to see the flowers bloom after my death?'

I cautiously fell asleep on the couch and woke up the next day.  Three days later, I'm still sore, but it was the first time I was thankful I woke up and have a chance to fix things before I leave, hopefully after Jake is established independently.

I mean I'm not thrilled to be alive and the only reason I hang around now is for Jake and my family. Maybe I'll move some place where it's mostly sunny and I can have a small bit of home near friendly animals and close to water and beautiful views.

Satisfied

 

I was deciding how I would share this emotion I have today after a strange wake dream. Normally I would share the dream with my family, but recently I had a disagreement, the usual disagreement with my sister and it puts me in the mood that even when I share dreams, sometimes they don't respond. Partly, I don't feel like engaging with her and partly the dream is saddening and might allude to what she should already know how I feel sometimes because of her. I love my sister and this in no way changes that, but we have always had this relationship where she takes, borrows, uses my things, often without my knowledge and then I don't find out until I want to use it. It's better, she will make sure she asks or at least say she is taking something, but sometimes that message gets lost in translation. It just ruined my plans and I then suggested that we have a way to show when things are borrowed, rented out and returned. Instead of apologizing or taking it with a grain of salt and let it slide off, as usual, she made it about her and got offended. So two days later, I'm still a little miffed and last night I dreamt about a group of friends going out to dinner, making a big deal about getting dressed, seeing the city and eating at an alfresco restaurant that was posh and one of the ladies knew the chef or owner. Two very distinct things happened in the dream and in most of my dreams, firstly, I felt I missed out on things, running late, having to find my own way, things not coming as easy, being on my own or being with others that are dependent on me, not able to offer me anything. Like I'm often leading, speaking up, taking chances, resolving issues and others wait for my direction. I distinctly remember finally getting to the table and for some reason it was set with all of us, about 8 ladies sitting around the one long side of the table and the two other ladies that came with me fell into seats saved for them or someone made room and I was told there was room at the end, far away from anyone I knew and from the energy of the room. Long story short, orders went in and food came out and people were leaving and I was waiting for my food; I was starving by now, but the wait staff didn't have my order and the restaurant was closing. I did taste some plates that the chef made specially for our table, just a bite here and there, just enough to stir up my appetite. Some of the ladies felt bad and assured me that I would get something, that the staff would make sure I would be fed, but I just responded that I've been here before, in my dreams where I'm tempted with what I want, what's coming and it has the potential to be great, to be satisfying, but in the end, it never comes and I'm always left unsatisfied. Needless to say, we left and as I was walking out, I just woke up and thought, yup, even in my dreams, I'm aware that I am never fully satisfied. 

It makes me think about my life and at 53,  how often I haven't been fulfilled, work, love, experiences. I mean I have had great times, been in love, have love of family and friends, seen places, etc. But I've never had more money than I can spend, been without worries or needs, no limitations. Always trying to get down to some weight, grow my hair some length, save money to buy, travel on limited  budget or do or create something to fulfill some feeling missing or momentary inspiration. My dreams are so vivid and the feelings in my dreams are so rich and deep and I think, one day maybe my dreams will come true... but now, I just hope that it will all be over, without any labor. Maybe with whatever is to come is peaceful and easy and worth it, really worth it.

I just believe that all the newness, excitement, joy in life and in me is fading with age and time. 

The Other Side

 I wrote this to a dear friend after venting about my lot in life. It’s the reason why I won’t give up.

              ***************************

I do have a balance. I love my work and see a lot of clients grow. I have a few hopelessly negative clients, most have personality disorders, so I use as much of my dbt skills as I can. I want to start my groups!!!

The bunnies are sooo cute and have such personality. You guys have to come visit. 

Jake’s music, grades, personality, humor. I like him. And I see Jim in him. 💕 

My mom is fun, funny, cleans all the time, prays, helps me. And well she’s my mom. And she adds to the house, the house was too big with just me and Jake.

My family, my friends 💕💕💕💕, and glimpse of hope.

Nothing is working!!!! (screams into pillow to muffle the sound)

 I hate today! I hate life right now and I'm going to strangle someone or something if I don't get it out. Nothing works today! I mean nothing is working today! I'm so angry because this is when I feel like life is unnecessarily hard. My apple id is disabled because Jake hijacked my account again and they disabled our accounts. I haven't contacted them again to get it straightened out but long story short, I don't have access to my Icloud storage, my music or the ability to use the app store for purchases or updates. So the problem I've had forever with not having enough storage on my laptop is a problem again. So I figure, let me get this laptop cleaned up once and for all! I finally find the external storage with plenty of room, but it won't work. Says there's not enough storage. I look to see how much I've have on my devices to backup,  Icloud is 300+ GB, Docs and email are also 300+ each. So I go to my email that has over 10,000 unread messages and I begin to clean it up. Several hours later, I go to bed.  The hat I'm knitting had a stitch barely on and I dropped down to fix it, but it's brioche tuck stitch and at the start/end of the row, so it's complicated. I tried to duplicate the process, but I'm not skilled enough or it's impossible. After a few attempts and a couple more hours, I just decided that it would be easier to frog it 5 rows. 

The most annoying is the fact that the cable isn't working. I just got things upgraded and it's had some hiccups, but now, the box needs to be replaced and needs a technician. That means it'll have to be scheduled and the earliest is 3 days out. So here I go trying to get my FireTV stick to work, it always gives me trouble on that 60" Smart TV that I paid $3K for 5 yrs ago! So it's silent in the livingroom and I really wanted to get some things done and having tv in the background is my "whistle while you work". Then I look around and every room looks worse than when I started to clean up and declutter. I've been working on decluttering honestly since we lost Sandra three years, but crap keeps happening, like the basement is wet and we had a great space for lounging in the basement, but it's basically a junk room. Every room in my house, garage and yard, is a junk room! I keep trying to get rid of stuff and I keep bringing in stuff to make things more organized or to use in place of something I got rid it. So actually the most frustrating thing that's not working is me today is my effort to clean up, but underlying frustration with the battle of the bulge. I've been on a cleanse from meat, alcohol, sugars, processed foods, flour, grain, most dairy and eating tons of vegetables, broths, water. Yet, no weight loss. I fluctuate between 171-175 lbs. The final straw I am sensing as I type this is feeling lonely. I sometimes dream about the kind of romantic relationship I wish I had but never have had. It's not fantasy. It's simply someone finding you attractive, worthy and you find him attractive, clever, possessing qualities that you strive for in yourself like hard working, fun, funny, chill and a desire to grow, honesty and compassion.

I just want to scream because I'm so angry! I'm in my living room again after picking up my mom from church and running errands since we're all out. I want to soothe my mood with something warm and sweet like a latte or hot chocolate, fire going, and tv in the background as I knit in a clean living room.

There's more, more financial stuff, but I can't stand to even type it. Let's just say one account is useless and I'm out a few more thousands. Thinking about the mail, I'm right back at SCREAM!!!! 

I'm trying not to punish myself by not eating what I am allowing myself to eat during the cleanse, but I just want to see something work! I'm going to go into the shed and scream into a pillow. Maybe that would help. But even this is not working.

That Sweet Period When a Child Needs You Is So Brief

Today is definitely better. I've increased my antidepressant for the next few days by half. Nothing else has changed except being able to get these thoughts out of my head. 

Also I think because I had Jake so late in life, I'm in a position that I should not be in. Raising a teen and caring for a parent. Jake would have been giving me grandchildren at this point if I had him 10 yrs earlier and then that joy of being a grandparent and the stress of caring for a parent would have been balanced. 

I love having Jake, but it's times like this, when I question the purpose of this life, the difficulties, the lack of control over anything other than yourself, why did I bring another person into the world? It's been so long since I've cradled him like a baby, since he really needed me, that I wonder, since it was so brief, was it truly worth it and what have I left him with? Will he be happy to be alive? Will he understand and cherish his place in this life? Will he question his own happiness or will he despise his own existence?

I Will Have Less and Say No More

I have no other place to put these thoughts. It's been a while. I try to share my thoughts and feelings with my friends, family, facebook community, with little or no response. I'm not looking for a response, but I have to get these thoughts out.

I can't say how far my has come from when I started this blog after the birth of my son and trying to get back to myself to several years later and so much change. I don't want to talk about that. So I'm just going to write, freely.

I'm not doing well. I'm really struggling. I hate living right now. I'm not suicidal, but I've definitely lost the joy of life. I'm just so tired of life. I used to look at older people and think they don't do anything. I don't want to be so old that nothing interests me anymore. I want to keep learning, growing, experiencing and teaching. But after 53 Christmases, 53 birthdays, 40+ years of not being successful in love, of working towards things and having to push them back and back and eventually just deciding that maybe in my next life...

In my next life I've have a family and a partner that loves to go on vacation with friends and family. Big groups of family, siblings, parents, inlaws and kids spending time with each other. Family events that they enjoy playing games physically and mentally, board games, volleyball, basketball, riding bikes, taking walks in the woods, going camping. In my next life I will let go of fear earlier. I will have my farm, travel, have a brood (hoard) of children. But now, I will accept that I have the family that I have. That they are only motivated to do things that interest them. That they enjoy being together, but not necessarily doing. That trip to New Orleans for my mom's 70th birthday was horrible. Now when I go away with family, I bring lots of stuff to distract me, I go off on my own and I enjoy the good, leave the rest.

I don't complain anymore about politics; I hate it. It's so selfish to play with lives and livelihood for the sake of winning. I accept that the majority of people fit into two categories, they are silent or they are stupid. Stupid in the sense that they can be fooled, led, tricked by propaganda, lies, religion, selfishness. Again, I accept that this is the way and it will not change and take the good, leave the rest.

I've cried so much lately over things I cannot change, being lonely, being trapped by my life and unable to be completely selfish. My mom needs me. My son is my responsible. I'm in between with no help unless I scream or cry in frustration. 

I'm releasing more. My desires, my wants, my needs that I cannot fill on my own. This coming year, I will have less things. I will say no more. I will let go of what is unimportant and enjoy whatever is left. I feel better.

A total of four

Is it possible that not two, but four of your friends could announce that they are pregnant in the last month or two... Three within the past 24 hrs? Women of various ages, and stages in their life/careers... Three are first time, two, maybe three with a history of infertility, if you count age... I'm so happy for all of them, they all deserve to get what they want. Oh, that was so telling, multilayered statement.

Last night I dreamt so many vivid dreams of unacquired romance, flirting with the unattainable, not getting what you want, whatever or however the good reason. Ironic. Enough self pity, just days before the start of another painful period. Sore gums, worse heartburn, insomnia that drugs won't even stop. Oh, there I go again. Okay, done

Purposeless

I really hate getting old. I know I'm not the first person to express this, but lately I just feel so purposeless. I mean I feel I have a lot to contribute and learn, but I don't feel special. Maybe because there are so many of us "40 somethings" around. We're not starting and were not ending, we're that place in the middle that no one really asks about. Uggh! Maybe it's hormones, but lately I envy the 30 somethings. This is awful, as a therapist, how can I encourage others that they are valuable despite the lack of luster of the outside appearance or the deteriorating of the internal parts and workings. And I know all of this stuff! So maybe it is hormones, but I really feel "dated".

Only

Okay, 5 golden oreo cookies and one twinkie later and I'm sure my period should be coming soon. This weekend, Vanesha stayed for the weekend and Jake loved every minute of it. When she left, he was so sad. It's a shame they don't live closer or that they're both in the same boat, only children. Oh well, there could be worse fates. And yes, I'm sad, especially because I'm still trying and I've eaten all day and I end it with giving in to my cravings. It would be nice if I could have an excuse. Oh well, after this period, I'll keep trying and not every cycle is like this and I'm five pounds away from my 20 pounds goal and another 6 pounds to my possible final goal. The five pounds after that would just be butter or too much and I'd enjoy gaining it back! But let's start with the week.

One other thing I noticed.

I'm not having any breast tenderness before my cycle. That's something I always get right after I ovulate. All I got was swollen feet. Thursday can't come fast enough. Although this could be the beginning of the physical symptoms of menopause. I should read up on that too. And my dreams have been the typical, detailed, vivid and very sensual nightmare! One dream I had was about the water being contaminated in the city of Wilmington where we still lived.  When you drank too much of it, you got symptoms that made you (I can't think of the word...something that means animal-like, work on your basic drives). I've got to stop thinking about it and just let it go. If I am, I am and thinking about it, writing about it, focusing on it is setting me up for disappointment. It doesn't help that people still ask me if "Jim and I are done?". I just respond that the area is shut down, that I'm too old; my eggs are too old. I mean that what doctors, specialist and Jim believes. Besides, you have to copulate for there to even be a chance.

Something strange happened this week...

On the 20th day of my cycle, I had severe cramping. It continued for over a day and at one point I took some Tylenol. Of course this reminds me of when I found out I was pregnant with Jake. I had cramps and some spotting, otherwise known as implantation. I will know for sure in a week; I've been 27 days like clock work for the last 4 months or so. Now thinking of the possibility, I'm not sure how I feel. On one end, I'd given up or it just passed, that feeling or desire to have any more babies come from my body. I've worked so hard on losing weight, I'm finished school, started a full time job... Jim is starting to calm down a little. In other words, I'm satisfied with my life, content. I've accepted it. Also I'm terrified about what could happen, at my age, with my hypertension. On the other hand, I've also wanted another child, up until a few months ago. Even last month, when I found some of my leftover fertility medication, I thought about taking it once last time, one last chance. I still desire to have more children, at least one, possibly a toddler by adoption. Also the thought of being able  to conceive still, makes me feel like I'm still young, still female, still attractive (in the biological sense). The thought of another beautiful child, hopefully a girl, with hair like Jake's, curls with blonde highlights. Just having a bubbly, adorable, girl! a friend for Jake, although 6 years apart. But then I think, of course I'm pregnant! I don't want it anymore! I'm losing weight, what if it's another boy who will wear me out? Can I survive another pregnancy? Jim will have been wrong. Do I really want to prove that he's wrong like this? Will it come to fruition? Will it be healthy? 

Oh well, this may not be of any concern in a few days. Jim will be right about my infertility, Jake will grow up an only child, I will never look into the face of a girl that resembles Jim and I and I still don't know how I feel about it.

Strangers

Jim and I have been working hard at treating each other better. Jim has been more positive and I have been more cooperative. But Wednesday came and I was at my intern site all day, two groups, paperwork, running around, preparing for class and then class. I was tired, starved, then stuffed, frustrated and by the end of the night, I crawled into the house, dropped my bags, shoulders sloped and sighed. The next day I went back to my intern site and started my day as any other, smiling at strangers, asking how people were doing, being polite, cherry, etc. Then it hit me...remember when Jim and I were strangers? When I used to smile at him whenever I greeted him for the first time that day. When I used to be polite and patient and friendly? I mean, I don't treat him badly, but I definitely show others a side of me that he only sees when I'm greeting friends or strangers. Well that doesn't make much sense? How can I expect him to be how he used to be, when I am not either. I thought about how I come home and we say "hey" and go about our routine. I thought about how I don't do that with Jake. That I smile when I see him, that I hug and kiss him and ask him how his day was. Why? Because I'm so happy to see him and he's so happy to see me and he makes me feel loved. I love my husband and I know he loves me, I can't expect him to treat me one way and it not be reciprocated. So I decided that when Jim came home last night that I would greet him like I would a stranger or a friend. I was changing my clothes when he walked into the room. I turned and with a huge and pleasant smile, I said, "Hello." The response was better than the I expected! He just stared at me for a minute and then cautiously asked "What?" It's going to take some time for us to get used to this, but I see it working. I'm coming back to this blog after a day and so far I've used it again when he came home from work and this morning I said, hung over but still very cherry, "Good morning!". I'm looking forward to seeing where this will go, for now, I get excited when I think about seeing Jake and I'll "fake it till I make it" with Jim.

I have to document this

So, 20 days after surgery, the pain under my arms are diminishing, but my left side has hard tissue near the incision line which makes the whole area very taunt and my full range of movement is restricted. On my right side, the hard tissue is there, but not to the extreme and my range of motion isn't diminished noticeably. The pain down my triceps is only on the left side now. I look forward to the day that the there will be no tightness or hard tissue. I also have numbness above the incision line on my right side.

On a different note, I checked the race results from the 5K and I came in 3rd in my age group (40-49) out of 9 and my time was 34:54; I was 75 overall.

finally some more pics after surgery and after the right side being drained of fluid.

17 days later...

Completed my first 5K!!!! Not too painful and I made it 3rd in my age group. I have no idea how many women were in my age group (40-49), but I'll check eventually. Checked out our condo in AC. It was actually a relaxing time because Russ, Jake and I hung out in the condo while Jim took his mom out to the casino. I went to bed early and even forgot until late Sunday night that I had run 3.2 miles when my thighs became a little sore and I crashed on the couch. Rachel and her cousin Lavonne dropped by to use the condo to change and hang out a little. I can't wait to let her use it when she wants to spend the whole weekend with friends. The condo was great, convenient, mostly clean and had an awesome view of the inlet, Harrah's and the Water Club. Rachel advised me to use ice to reduce the fluid, which is another way of saying swelling on my rt side. So I did and by the time I saw Dr. Saunders today, it had gone down by 40%, but he asked if I wanted him to drain it and so I did and now it's all gone! I'll have pics tomorrow of the rt side "after" after I shower. Here's some before and 17 days after surgery.

I hurt...

And no I haven't even runs my first 5k yet. I'm just hurting at different points all over. Not sure exactly why, but I'm wondering if my lymph nodes are fighting some type of infection because the usual one hurts in my neck/tonsil area, something hurts on my chest, my butt checks are sore and now my back is spasming (?) with pain. All along, my forearms have been tender since the surgery and now I'm really wondering why. It feels like sore or bruised muscles and they're even sensitive to touch, like clothing, very strange. My right side is still swollen or filled with fluid and I'm still taking Tylenol to dull the pain. I read a lot about our lymphatic system; our bodies are pretty amazing.

Not much still

I'm still recovering from my surgery after almost two weeks. It's taking longer than I thought and I haven't been very physical lately. I'm eating anything I want and starting to get tired of the whole situation. Not that I regret doing this, but I wish I could just rest somewhere for three days, no picking up anything or anybody, not stretching too far or going too long with work. The left side is now the better side, no swelling, looks really good. The right side is swollen, keeps swelling and painful. Dr. Saunders says I have fluid there and then I cut him off, so I don't even know what he was going to recommend, but I see him again on the 3rd. I interrupted him because I wanted to know if he was able to clearly distinguish and remove all of the breast tissue. To my delight, he said they came out in one lump; something about breast tissue being very fibrous like that. I've found that keeping it bandaged up, tight, helps. I'm nervous about running on Saturday. I'm going to strap myself up really good, take some Tylenol with codeine and hope for the best! I'll take more pictures after this busy weekend. The in-laws are coming Thursday and we're going to AC after Jake's soccer. It'll be our first visit at our timeshare...

Jake is sick, so is Jim, but Jim is also a year older and anxious. He hates when Jake is sick, running a fever and coughing non-stop.

I've done two intakes for ADCS. Piece of cake, that's all I have to say.

I'm in stinkbug hell! I hope I can get some sleep tonight with the mix of Jake's coughing, me worrying about Jake's coughing, stinkbugs hoovering o'er and discomfort with my underarms.

Just updated pictures

Bandages on Thursday and Friday, off on Saturday.

Great night, bad morning

I can't help but see the last 28 hours as a mix of a wonderful night, celebrating my birthday with new and old friends and family at Firestone's Roasting House last night. For the first time, I was able to float around and talk to everyone while not even once focusing on who wasn't there that said that they would be there. It never crossed my mind who wasn't there because I really enjoyed the time I spent with everyone there and there were no great expectations. Everyone said they had a wonderful time and despite the problem with seating everyone close together, meals coming out timely and bills be provided, we had so much fun. To top off the night, we ended with dancing! I drank to my content's desire, but of course, only got tipsy, never drunk, and even the next day, I wasn't hung over. But I didn't have any wine either, just everything else. The pain from my surgery has subsided a lot on both sides, but I'm still experiencing so much stomach pain that it's keeping me awake and nothing seems to help. I know it's the vicodin and the ibuprofen I took to replace it didn't help. Now I'm just not taking anything and hoping it will all go away. Last night was the best birthday celebration EVER!!!!