On the 20th day of my cycle, I had severe cramping. It continued for over a day and at one point I took some Tylenol. Of course this reminds me of when I found out I was pregnant with Jake. I had cramps and some spotting, otherwise known as implantation. I will know for sure in a week; I've been 27 days like clock work for the last 4 months or so. Now thinking of the possibility, I'm not sure how I feel. On one end, I'd given up or it just passed, that feeling or desire to have any more babies come from my body. I've worked so hard on losing weight, I'm finished school, started a full time job... Jim is starting to calm down a little. In other words, I'm satisfied with my life, content. I've accepted it. Also I'm terrified about what could happen, at my age, with my hypertension. On the other hand, I've also wanted another child, up until a few months ago. Even last month, when I found some of my leftover fertility medication, I thought about taking it once last time, one last chance. I still desire to have more children, at least one, possibly a toddler by adoption. Also the thought of being able to conceive still, makes me feel like I'm still young, still female, still attractive (in the biological sense). The thought of another beautiful child, hopefully a girl, with hair like Jake's, curls with blonde highlights. Just having a bubbly, adorable, girl! a friend for Jake, although 6 years apart. But then I think, of course I'm pregnant! I don't want it anymore! I'm losing weight, what if it's another boy who will wear me out? Can I survive another pregnancy? Jim will have been wrong. Do I really want to prove that he's wrong like this? Will it come to fruition? Will it be healthy?
Oh well, this may not be of any concern in a few days. Jim will be right about my infertility, Jake will grow up an only child, I will never look into the face of a girl that resembles Jim and I and I still don't know how I feel about it.
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