I Will Have Less and Say No More

I have no other place to put these thoughts. It's been a while. I try to share my thoughts and feelings with my friends, family, facebook community, with little or no response. I'm not looking for a response, but I have to get these thoughts out.

I can't say how far my has come from when I started this blog after the birth of my son and trying to get back to myself to several years later and so much change. I don't want to talk about that. So I'm just going to write, freely.

I'm not doing well. I'm really struggling. I hate living right now. I'm not suicidal, but I've definitely lost the joy of life. I'm just so tired of life. I used to look at older people and think they don't do anything. I don't want to be so old that nothing interests me anymore. I want to keep learning, growing, experiencing and teaching. But after 53 Christmases, 53 birthdays, 40+ years of not being successful in love, of working towards things and having to push them back and back and eventually just deciding that maybe in my next life...

In my next life I've have a family and a partner that loves to go on vacation with friends and family. Big groups of family, siblings, parents, inlaws and kids spending time with each other. Family events that they enjoy playing games physically and mentally, board games, volleyball, basketball, riding bikes, taking walks in the woods, going camping. In my next life I will let go of fear earlier. I will have my farm, travel, have a brood (hoard) of children. But now, I will accept that I have the family that I have. That they are only motivated to do things that interest them. That they enjoy being together, but not necessarily doing. That trip to New Orleans for my mom's 70th birthday was horrible. Now when I go away with family, I bring lots of stuff to distract me, I go off on my own and I enjoy the good, leave the rest.

I don't complain anymore about politics; I hate it. It's so selfish to play with lives and livelihood for the sake of winning. I accept that the majority of people fit into two categories, they are silent or they are stupid. Stupid in the sense that they can be fooled, led, tricked by propaganda, lies, religion, selfishness. Again, I accept that this is the way and it will not change and take the good, leave the rest.

I've cried so much lately over things I cannot change, being lonely, being trapped by my life and unable to be completely selfish. My mom needs me. My son is my responsible. I'm in between with no help unless I scream or cry in frustration. 

I'm releasing more. My desires, my wants, my needs that I cannot fill on my own. This coming year, I will have less things. I will say no more. I will let go of what is unimportant and enjoy whatever is left. I feel better.