It's been hard

With the humidity, fatigue and allergy attack on my systems, I had a hard time working out for the last week or two. It seemed I never had enough sleep and I finally went to the pharmacist to find something OTC for the fuzziness I felt in my head but wouldn't raise my blood pressure. He told me there was nothing over the counter, but I could use a steroid based nasal spray. I held back the tears. I knew if I didn't take care of it soon, it would turn into an infection. But then I thought, Oh! like I used many years ago? before I moved to a carpet free home and now that I live in the freaking woods! The same prescription that Jim was given and is sitting on the window sill? Well anyway, I just have to push through. I feel better, but the medicine wears off by the end of the day, so by morning, I'm not exhausted, but I'm still not motivated. And there are so many other things, as always. We're working on the garden at W. 10th St., should finish up tonight. I have notes, that I've had no motivation to catch up on and it's the 25th! and then it's close to my period, so I had no will power to say no to the Oreo ice cream cake Hoodie had at her party! Uggh, but!!!! Jim has been following the high protein, no carbs, except greens diet for about two weeks, so it's easier. This weekend I made meatballs, then added Italian sausage yesterday. Tonight I was ready to grill chicken breast, but mom said she had pork roast left for our dinner tonight! tuna, Carnation breakfast drinks and a little fruit is what my diet is consisting of. I added a 4o min bike ride through Bellevue this morning and staying active with the pool, yard work, and my usual running up and down, cleaning, "project-ing" self. My goal is to stay on target and focused until our anniversary, August 21st. I hope to kick this 10-20 pounds that keeps holding on. I feel focused now and hopefully will get back to where I was three weeks ago. Also, great news, I have an intern meeting with my possible supervisor at Crozer!!!!! Yipppppeeee! I keep praying that things will work out the way they're supposed to, with lots of experience and great supervision! So even though it's been hard, and trust me, this is only dealing with my weight loss goal, it's been worth it. My blood pressure is still normal with medication and I'm not giving up! The 10 pounds will have to break at some point, we can't go on like this forever.

I think I'm ready...

I think I'm ready to have plastic surgery. Let me clarify, I have been dealing with axillary breast tissue under my arms, lopsided to boot, since I was in my early twenties. It was never a real problem until I started wearing tube and tank tops, and swim wear in public. (Some of you know that the church organization I used to belong to had restrictions for modesty). Now that I'm losing weight and getting down to a normal size AND it's summer time, it's really starting to bother me again. I spent the last hour looking on the internet about more information and I don't know why I did, but I became obsessed again. Finally I checked out "images" on bilateral axillary breast tissue removal and found me in the list of images, YIKES!!!!

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://assets10.medhelp.org/profiles/427742_tn%3F1203646226&imgrefurl=http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Womens-Health/Breast-tissue-in-underarm/show/28812%3Fpage%3D1&usg=__uvsJlrm4kH2IZAaxcXY08CuN5kA=&h=48&w=48&sz=2&hl=en&start=51&zoom=1&itbs=1&tbnid=TtmDHoTmqEXgZM:&tbnh=48&tbnw=48&prev=/search%3Fq%3DBilateral%2BAxillary%2BBreast%2BTissue%2BRemoval%26start%3D40%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsafari%26sa%3DN%26rls%3Den%26ndsp%3D20%26tbm%3Disch%26prmd%3Divns&ei=hycnTqW3O8fd0QHh6djkCg

Anyway, I'm at that point where when I hook up with my new PCP (primary care physician), I'll ask for a referral. Two things make me nervous about having the procedure, 1) the chance that they will damage one of my limpnoids, which I heard has been a risk and 2) that all those folks that discouraged me whenever I complained, will be right if I should die from the attempt. There is a final issue, of copay. I mean, I would hope that my insurance would cover it, but how much? Anyway, I'm tired of this deformation. NO! it's not a shorten arm or leg, and it's not some terrible genetic disorder that makes life difficult living fully, or even a birthmark on my face, but it does bother me and makes me feel like "only if...". I mean it's not like I'm wanting to stop the effects of aging or change the shape of my chin because it's not "cute", I have two very distinct appendages hanging from under my arms, one much larger than the other and there's just no reason for it.

The Insignificant

I can't blame you for bringing me down, just for awaking the feelings I've always dealt with because of my father who had broken my trust, disregarded my feelings and the love and trust of those closest to me. I'm not saying that all men are distrusting or that all women are honorable and I don't believe that of you, not where we are now. Maybe when we were dating, you were unsure and still searching and later, you finally understood what spending hours in front of the computer instead of coming to bed can do to a relationship. But you still don't understand what befriending a person who would so easily threaten your happiness can do to me. I feel broken and tender and there's nothing that can be done about it. I didn't sleep well, the feelings carried over into my dreams and they were unpleasant and draining. Not being open and acting as if things are insignificant feels like when your friends keep a secret from you. As your closest friend and lover, there should be nothing between us, no secrets, no relationships, I should be the one you tell everything to, even the insignificant.

Fear

I have a hard time understanding fear. Why people live behind it, in it, do everything they can to avoid it, but in reality, they actually allow it to control them. I understand being afraid, especially of the unknown, but once you realize that fear is what is messing with your mind, then why do some people say, "Okay, I'm not going to let that stop me." and others say, "I need a minute, wait, I can't handle this, or NO!"? What do they think is going to happen? What is the worse thing that could happen? I know people that won't say how they really feel, positive or negative because of fear. They won't try new things or go somewhere different out of fear. They won't put themselves in a certain situation, not because they might die, but because they might be uncomfortable. As a person that wholly believes in biological instincts, how can allowing fear of things that are not comfortable or known be beneficial? Why do people care so much about what others think, not being inconsiderate, but not doing what you want or saying what you want because of it? I cannot be a person that is controlled by fear. I cannot enable others that are controlled by fear. I can hardly stand being around them. It's going to be so hard "helping" others who are afraid of everything. I wish I could empathize.

"Whatever you're doing, keep it up!"

Just got back from my 6 month follow up on my hypertension with my primary physician and I'm so proud of myself. I know I may have given the impression that my appearance, particularly my weight is very important to me, but it's more like my need to get an A on exam, not so much about anything else except how I performed. Well even more than that, my weight loss has always been about my health. I knew that my hypertension recently had been about a 10 pound weight gain in 30 or so days. I'm naturally thin and I don't think my body or my systems can handle when I push it pass the 10 or 15 pounds. I was ecstatic when my blood pressure readings averaged 118/86! To hear that my top number was it's normal reading before the kid, before marriage and extreme stress, before weight gain, was unbelievable. I just thought... 'I did it, I did it! but how did I do it?' When Dr. Sobel (soon to be retired) said that my weight lost had a significant impact on my readings and then showed me over the last four years how much of a correlation it's had, I was really surprised, yet not really. I just didn't think that 20-25 pounds would really have an effect. If there's no greater motivator to keep me doing what I'm doing, it's seeing my health improve with my appearance. I have to accept that I may never have normal blood pressure readings without medication, I have hypertension, like my mom, like my grandmother did and like so many of my ancestors before, but I don't have to let it beat me. I'm keeping it up!

10 pound Slimdown

So I'm back on track since memorial day and girls' weekend. I gained roughly 4 pounds and I wasn't really bad, but chocolate, wine and even chocolate wine was involved and limited exercise due to the humidity and forgetting my sneakers. This week was the Greek festival and they are known for their food and pastries. I mostly stuck to low carb, high protein items and ran 3 days. I am also utilizing my expensive cable and I found workouts on demand! 10 pound Slim down has a program to lose 10 pounds and shape up in 30 days. I don't care if I lose the 10 pounds, but 6 would be nice. I've tried core training which kicked my abs and then butt and thigh workout that was hard, but I need something to lift this sagging butt. I'm going out to run for 45 mins to an hour and then a day of gardening, painting Jake's room and house cleaning. That's right, I didn't mention catching up on my notes (for work) or anything because.... I'm still caught up.

I just remembered after having a dream last night about high school and my high school friends that we're supposed to be having a reunion. I haven't heard anything more, so I think it's been put on the back burner but it made me think of... I can't say, because these blogs are public and no one needs to be reading this or reading into this. I just wish I had the confidence and wherewithal to think that I was fairly attractive and there were guys around me that thought so too. This was probably brought on because someone to be nameless tried to chat with me last night, but I didn't see it until later. Not sure what I would've done and I don't want it to led to anything. Oh well, you can never go back and honestly I'm having plenty of fun now just getting ample attention from the hubby and interest from others and every once and a while I'll see my reflection and think, "Wow, I'm pretty." Last night I saw sparkles in my eyes while I was talking, I hope others can see that inner beauty and confidence too. Time to go run!

Time and Place

I'm at a time and place where I'm caught up on my work and I'm just trying to stay awake long enough to stay "here". At home, I'm starting to tackle those tasks that have been sitting there since it was cold and I was stressed. So this morning I went through one of the bags I tucked my pile of school work and books away in. I could've worked on the garden or ran again today, but I decided to shower first thing and that set everything else in motion. My creative juices are starting to surface and I'm dying to make something or paint something... I went to Michael's last night, a craft shop, and picked up Jake's frame for his sun print he made at DCH and it looks wonderful, but is a strange size, so I ordered another kit of 5" x 7" sheets to work on this summer. It'll be fun for me and mom and maybe some of his friends.

I've been tired and nervous and worrying about my blood pressure. So I started taking my water pill again, but it depresses me. I don't understand what's wrong with my body that losing weight, working out and eating right doesn't resolve? I know, many others deal with diabetes and other genetic diseases that they will take medication for for the rest of their lives, but I hate what the water pill does to me, could be doing to me, to the rest of my systems. Then I've gained weight with the past weekend and my period and I'm probably retaining water... I so tired it's hard to work out and being nervous makes me eat. I've been going through a container of roasted peanuts (no salt) like it's my job. Every time I wonder, 'could I be pregnant?', but I know I'm not. I'm trying to stay focused, remembering why I need to lose these last 8 pounds, the HTN, my health over all, Jake, my confidence, summer clothes, etc. I think being tired, arguing with Jim again and trying to keep things in order is what's really the issue. Despite all of that, I still have a headache, the one I was worried about it being a symptom of my HTN. I'm going to the beach tomorrow after work with my Aging friends. I hope it's an incredibly relaxing weekend. I'm starting to look forward to taking a break from case managing and doing internship again, these clients are driving me crazy!