Maya Angelou woke me up

Last week was so incredibly painful and then it was not. I was at the depths of my illness, and then someone spoke to me in their work and I miraculously was lifted out. That's the awfulness of depression, this physical pain, hopelessness, cloudiness of reality and emotional/cognitive distortions. Life is hard and at times unbearable, but it is also filled with light, love, purpose and joy. 

I knew I was down deep and no one knew how bad it was. I cried and worked and thought and wrote and cried some more. Listening to music, I was encouraged. So many suffer from depression, thankfully, and talk about it. But it wasn't until a thought came to my mind, "I know Why a Caged Bird Sings" that I thought, 'why?' and searched for the poetry of Maya Angelou to give me understanding. I couldn't find the exact poem, because it's a book and the poem is called "Caged Bird", but I did listen to one of her guest performances and she talked of other poetry that 1) spoke of a slave who sacrificed his life because he had hope that one day, his descendants would know freedom and 2) she believed that one day her words would fall on someone in need, someone she may never know or that she even may not be alive at the time, but it would bring them out of a dark place and the next day, they would be able to rise. I thought about my life and my freedom and how maybe this was God's way of freeing a race of people who were, not by choice, brought to lands that they would one day thrive. I am that descendant, I am their hope. I cannot let them down. I will live and fight, so my children and my descendants can experience a life, no matter how long it takes and out of sight it may be, where they are on equal footing with their european counterparts. What I can't imagine now, but know what I hope for, may one day exist for them as freedom from slavery exist for me today.

Then it passed, the suffering, the questioning and some hope appeared. A few days later, I heard a women of Jewish ancestry explain why her people, who have suffered similar oppression, found a way to have hope and survive. She stated that it was difficult, but what she understood was that when one is down and hopeless, another will have hope for them and encourage them and so on. And that's what keeps us striving for what we hope for. That's how we survive this painful journey.

Today, my close friend, my sister in heart, called me hopeless and wanting to die. She also suffers from severe depression and cognitive distortions. I was able to cry with her and sit with her and encourage her and share what I had experienced last week and promised her that when she can't find a reason to live, I will give her hope until she can.

I'm hurting so badly now, taking on the pain and suffering of others. Life is so hard, but at the same time, it's filled with joy and amazement. I don't know why some of us suffer from depression to the point of questioning our very existence, but I pray you have someone who will sit with you and lift you up until you feel hopeful and that you in turn can do that for someone else.

Death by Mental Illness

Naomi Judd, a famous country singer took her life a day before being inducted into the Music Hall of Fame. She had openly discussed her struggles with depression over her life. It got me thinking about my battle and how I have suicidal ideations when I'm stressed, overwhelmed and discouraged. Would I even consider suicide if I didn't struggle with maintaining the basics of life, be a double minority, have a history of self-hate?

Today protestors went to Washington, DC today after hearing that the conservative side of the supreme court was considering reviewing and overturning Roe vs. Wade. Ukraine is still fighting the invasion of Russia and the other night, John Oliver, host and comedian of his HBO show, discussed how blacks are more likely to die prematurely due to where they live and the fact that companies and government have notoriously placed hazardous factories and utilities within their neighborhoods. I still can't get over the last six, no 12 yrs of politics and seeing how hard whites in power will do anything to maintain their place.

It all makes me wonder what's the point. Life is so hard and blatantly society is skewed to keep many down. Gas, food, clothing, housing, education, travel is all out of reach for many. I haven't had a raise from providers since I started, yet everything has inflated in cost. Being faced with financial issues that depend on me to be motivated to follow through with paperwork is my hardest battle. 

So I think if the divorce was a normal divorce and Jim lived, or at least didn't remarry just before dying and leaving everything in the hands of an evil person, if I could've transitioned from one job to another without a period of not getting paid and out of money my former employer owed me... the cost for lawyers and to fight for what Jim and I worked together to attain... if I wasn't paying for Jim's decision to not withhold enough taxes. If life wasn't so hard, nickel and diming you with every turn. I hate home ownership and I'd like capitalism to be overthrown. Why do people need so much money that they spend it on the most ridiculous things. Have rooms, houses, cars, more than one can use at any time. I really hate this world we live in. I don't think it will ever change and history shows we are greedy and selfish, childlike.

I wonder why life is not enough. I know the pain of depression, that sickening feeling in my chest, watering of my eyes, the lack of enthusiasm over life at times feels unbearable. I personally have given up on the hope that I'll control my weight, live without physical pain, stop taking on too much, running out of time, find a man to spend the other part of my life with, not worry about money and obligations. But even if I had money, security, time, would it be enough. I am still so disgusted with people and their stupidity, inability to think for themselves, to chose love over fear. It's hard for me to understand what she was struggling with. Was it just the pain, the loneliness, emptiness?

I really am not sure if it will change, but I'm going to spend this week facing my obligations and then, once this burden is off my back, if I don't feel better, I will make drastic changes.

Thankful to Wake Up This Morning

Sunday I was finally able to work on my plants and in the flower garden. I was almost near the end of planting some seeds when I stepped on the rake and it smacked me hard on the right side of my face. I felt my eyeball smoosh and a few minutes later, my right nostril started to bleed. It made me nervous because I will never forget the actress that was married to Liam Neeson who hit her head and decided to lay down and never woke up. Most recently, Bob Saget died after a head trauma, went to bed and again, never woke up. I wasn't sure if I should be concerned, so I went to the emergency room, the walk in clinic was closed and I was seen fairly quickly for my initial assessment by the nursing staff. The nurse seemed unphased by my symptoms; I wasn't dizzy, blurry eyed or vomitting and I didn't lose consciousness, so I patiently waited more than another hour for the doctor to see me and discharge me, I decided to leave. Mom prayed for me and I said a few prayers thinking I could not leave Jake at 15, the house in such a state and so many debts on my back. I did think about 'is this when and how I will go, what's to come, will I see Sandra, Donna, my dad? Will I know when I'm going, at least I was doing something I loved and will it be rewarding or sad to see the flowers bloom after my death?'

I cautiously fell asleep on the couch and woke up the next day.  Three days later, I'm still sore, but it was the first time I was thankful I woke up and have a chance to fix things before I leave, hopefully after Jake is established independently.

I mean I'm not thrilled to be alive and the only reason I hang around now is for Jake and my family. Maybe I'll move some place where it's mostly sunny and I can have a small bit of home near friendly animals and close to water and beautiful views.

Satisfied

 

I was deciding how I would share this emotion I have today after a strange wake dream. Normally I would share the dream with my family, but recently I had a disagreement, the usual disagreement with my sister and it puts me in the mood that even when I share dreams, sometimes they don't respond. Partly, I don't feel like engaging with her and partly the dream is saddening and might allude to what she should already know how I feel sometimes because of her. I love my sister and this in no way changes that, but we have always had this relationship where she takes, borrows, uses my things, often without my knowledge and then I don't find out until I want to use it. It's better, she will make sure she asks or at least say she is taking something, but sometimes that message gets lost in translation. It just ruined my plans and I then suggested that we have a way to show when things are borrowed, rented out and returned. Instead of apologizing or taking it with a grain of salt and let it slide off, as usual, she made it about her and got offended. So two days later, I'm still a little miffed and last night I dreamt about a group of friends going out to dinner, making a big deal about getting dressed, seeing the city and eating at an alfresco restaurant that was posh and one of the ladies knew the chef or owner. Two very distinct things happened in the dream and in most of my dreams, firstly, I felt I missed out on things, running late, having to find my own way, things not coming as easy, being on my own or being with others that are dependent on me, not able to offer me anything. Like I'm often leading, speaking up, taking chances, resolving issues and others wait for my direction. I distinctly remember finally getting to the table and for some reason it was set with all of us, about 8 ladies sitting around the one long side of the table and the two other ladies that came with me fell into seats saved for them or someone made room and I was told there was room at the end, far away from anyone I knew and from the energy of the room. Long story short, orders went in and food came out and people were leaving and I was waiting for my food; I was starving by now, but the wait staff didn't have my order and the restaurant was closing. I did taste some plates that the chef made specially for our table, just a bite here and there, just enough to stir up my appetite. Some of the ladies felt bad and assured me that I would get something, that the staff would make sure I would be fed, but I just responded that I've been here before, in my dreams where I'm tempted with what I want, what's coming and it has the potential to be great, to be satisfying, but in the end, it never comes and I'm always left unsatisfied. Needless to say, we left and as I was walking out, I just woke up and thought, yup, even in my dreams, I'm aware that I am never fully satisfied. 

It makes me think about my life and at 53,  how often I haven't been fulfilled, work, love, experiences. I mean I have had great times, been in love, have love of family and friends, seen places, etc. But I've never had more money than I can spend, been without worries or needs, no limitations. Always trying to get down to some weight, grow my hair some length, save money to buy, travel on limited  budget or do or create something to fulfill some feeling missing or momentary inspiration. My dreams are so vivid and the feelings in my dreams are so rich and deep and I think, one day maybe my dreams will come true... but now, I just hope that it will all be over, without any labor. Maybe with whatever is to come is peaceful and easy and worth it, really worth it.

I just believe that all the newness, excitement, joy in life and in me is fading with age and time. 

The Other Side

 I wrote this to a dear friend after venting about my lot in life. It’s the reason why I won’t give up.

              ***************************

I do have a balance. I love my work and see a lot of clients grow. I have a few hopelessly negative clients, most have personality disorders, so I use as much of my dbt skills as I can. I want to start my groups!!!

The bunnies are sooo cute and have such personality. You guys have to come visit. 

Jake’s music, grades, personality, humor. I like him. And I see Jim in him. 💕 

My mom is fun, funny, cleans all the time, prays, helps me. And well she’s my mom. And she adds to the house, the house was too big with just me and Jake.

My family, my friends 💕💕💕💕, and glimpse of hope.

Nothing is working!!!! (screams into pillow to muffle the sound)

 I hate today! I hate life right now and I'm going to strangle someone or something if I don't get it out. Nothing works today! I mean nothing is working today! I'm so angry because this is when I feel like life is unnecessarily hard. My apple id is disabled because Jake hijacked my account again and they disabled our accounts. I haven't contacted them again to get it straightened out but long story short, I don't have access to my Icloud storage, my music or the ability to use the app store for purchases or updates. So the problem I've had forever with not having enough storage on my laptop is a problem again. So I figure, let me get this laptop cleaned up once and for all! I finally find the external storage with plenty of room, but it won't work. Says there's not enough storage. I look to see how much I've have on my devices to backup,  Icloud is 300+ GB, Docs and email are also 300+ each. So I go to my email that has over 10,000 unread messages and I begin to clean it up. Several hours later, I go to bed.  The hat I'm knitting had a stitch barely on and I dropped down to fix it, but it's brioche tuck stitch and at the start/end of the row, so it's complicated. I tried to duplicate the process, but I'm not skilled enough or it's impossible. After a few attempts and a couple more hours, I just decided that it would be easier to frog it 5 rows. 

The most annoying is the fact that the cable isn't working. I just got things upgraded and it's had some hiccups, but now, the box needs to be replaced and needs a technician. That means it'll have to be scheduled and the earliest is 3 days out. So here I go trying to get my FireTV stick to work, it always gives me trouble on that 60" Smart TV that I paid $3K for 5 yrs ago! So it's silent in the livingroom and I really wanted to get some things done and having tv in the background is my "whistle while you work". Then I look around and every room looks worse than when I started to clean up and declutter. I've been working on decluttering honestly since we lost Sandra three years, but crap keeps happening, like the basement is wet and we had a great space for lounging in the basement, but it's basically a junk room. Every room in my house, garage and yard, is a junk room! I keep trying to get rid of stuff and I keep bringing in stuff to make things more organized or to use in place of something I got rid it. So actually the most frustrating thing that's not working is me today is my effort to clean up, but underlying frustration with the battle of the bulge. I've been on a cleanse from meat, alcohol, sugars, processed foods, flour, grain, most dairy and eating tons of vegetables, broths, water. Yet, no weight loss. I fluctuate between 171-175 lbs. The final straw I am sensing as I type this is feeling lonely. I sometimes dream about the kind of romantic relationship I wish I had but never have had. It's not fantasy. It's simply someone finding you attractive, worthy and you find him attractive, clever, possessing qualities that you strive for in yourself like hard working, fun, funny, chill and a desire to grow, honesty and compassion.

I just want to scream because I'm so angry! I'm in my living room again after picking up my mom from church and running errands since we're all out. I want to soothe my mood with something warm and sweet like a latte or hot chocolate, fire going, and tv in the background as I knit in a clean living room.

There's more, more financial stuff, but I can't stand to even type it. Let's just say one account is useless and I'm out a few more thousands. Thinking about the mail, I'm right back at SCREAM!!!! 

I'm trying not to punish myself by not eating what I am allowing myself to eat during the cleanse, but I just want to see something work! I'm going to go into the shed and scream into a pillow. Maybe that would help. But even this is not working.

That Sweet Period When a Child Needs You Is So Brief

Today is definitely better. I've increased my antidepressant for the next few days by half. Nothing else has changed except being able to get these thoughts out of my head. 

Also I think because I had Jake so late in life, I'm in a position that I should not be in. Raising a teen and caring for a parent. Jake would have been giving me grandchildren at this point if I had him 10 yrs earlier and then that joy of being a grandparent and the stress of caring for a parent would have been balanced. 

I love having Jake, but it's times like this, when I question the purpose of this life, the difficulties, the lack of control over anything other than yourself, why did I bring another person into the world? It's been so long since I've cradled him like a baby, since he really needed me, that I wonder, since it was so brief, was it truly worth it and what have I left him with? Will he be happy to be alive? Will he understand and cherish his place in this life? Will he question his own happiness or will he despise his own existence?